[first day working at a movie theater]
guy: can I get one large popcorn
me: no but I can give you like a million regular popcorns
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I told my date I was depressed. I added, “not like cut my inner thigh depressed, but sleep with you even though I don’t like you depressed.”
Them: you have such a youthful face! What’s your secret?
me: *plucking an auburn hair and burning it in the eternal flame while muttering incantations* oh I just wash it with water
Me, on phone: Hi, I’d like to cancel my account.
Cust Serv Rep: Oh I’m sorry, you’re not an authorized user.
Me: Oh ok, let me go grab my husband
Also me: Hi, this is Nicholas
God: NOAH.
Noah: Yes Lord?
God: Where are the land sharks, flying spiders and the jumping snakes?
Noah: Oh nooooo, did I forget those?
Remember when we thought it would be fun to grow up and have jobs? LOL
On the bright side, when wearing a face mask, I pick my nose in public much less often.
Told my girlfriend I can’t get mad at her while she’s wearing cowboy boots because it just makes *me* feel stupid so now whenever she knows she messed up all I hear is klip klip kloppity coming down the hallway
Dogs “play sneeze” to show they’re playing and not being aggressive.
What better way to break the ice with your next eHarmony date?
I broke my finger yesterday. On the other hand, I’m okay.
I did laundry for 7 miles according to my Fitbit that I accidentally washed and dried.
Nephew: omg look at how thick your ipad is.
Me: That’s a book.
I don’t know why smokey the bear carries a shovel, but it scares the shit out of me.
My kid systematically checks me for weakness like the velociraptors in Jurassic Park testing the fence
How high was Pac-Man tryin to eat ghosts? bruh
Strength training is a great form of anger management cause I can’t scream and yell when I have an injured back!
Sorry, guy outside grocery store with a heavy bag and one arm in a sling, but I can’t help you. Ted Bundy ruined that for everyone.
Wanna get rich?
Buy my book, ‘How to Get Stupid People on the Internet to Send You $39.95’ for only $39.95.
Batman V Superman 2:
Both men agree their last battle was too destructive
They settle their differences by playing Uno
Loser leaves earth
aliens took me up to on their ship but i have no time for that drama so i just jumped out
[sees woman reading]
“Gone With The Wind? Great book! I love how the *clenches fist* tornado takes Dorothy & Toto to the Land Of Oz.”
Why do birds suddenly appear every time you are near? It’s because you are feeding them bread Karen.
I would never let MY child act like that.
-things my friends without kids say.
One of those compression vacuum storage systems but for the skeletons in my closet.
Me:*spends 4hrs comparing gift prices on several sites to save $4*
Also Me: *spends $33 on pizza because I shopped too long to cook $6 chicken*
looks legit
I once wanted to be a famous singer, but now I just go to a bunch of concerts because my hearing is good and my voice is not..
I want to be the lady in the neighborhood that makes her neighbors slightly nervous…
“Did you see she bought a blowtorch the other day.”
“She told me she was going to paint a mural on the side of her house.”
When I go to Burger King, I like to get a Whopper and a Whopper jr. then make the Whopper watch as I eat the Whopper jr.
The first rule of fight club is: you do not tell mom that I let you watch fight club, kids
My daughter wants to study burrowing rodents. I told her to gopher it.