The older I get, the more I feel like the town elders in Footloose were actually pretty cool.
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everyone hates my volcano jokes, but i LAV-a them!
(my loneliness is paralyzing)
Indie bands are always like “we recorded this album at an abandoned spaghetti factory in Providence, Rhode Island.” Why? Why’d you do that? There are recording studios with couches and electricity
My daughter (6) has started writing negative reviews of my parenting. It’s been great for her handwriting.
Forget ‘Drive like your kids live here,’ drive like you have 4 large diet cokes on your passenger seat
*spills wine on Ouija board*
OUIJA: *moving pointer by itself* H-E-Y S-S-E-X-Y D-Y-O-O-U-W-W-A-N-N-A M-A-K-E O-U-T
ME: *moves pointer to NO*
I like to go the extra mile and then not come back.
It’s amazing that no one at this swim up bar has had to go to the bathroom in the last three hours.
boss: you’re late
me: and you are not the father
I’m not saying my life lacks excitement, but I did linger in the room my 6yo was playing in just to watch Barbie breakup with a horse.
I hate it when people try to use big words when they clearly don’t know their meaning. It makes them sound so gelatinous and isosceles.
Seeing a bicycle cop is like seeing a snake wearing a lil top hat. Like I know you’re dangerous but c’mon, look at you lol
My stylist cut my bangs too short so now I look like a dreadfully concerned 7 year old.
Wikigenius
The last 23,000 tweets were sent by my dog and bad decisions.
help my (23M) fireflies (10,000) have unionized against me
“Welcome to McDonald’s, how may I take your order?”
“Begrudgingly, I would imagine.”
The big twist in GODZILLA VS KONG is they both find out their mother’s name is Mothra
“Don’t wind up the dog, he’ll be annoying”
Me:
STEVE MILLER: some people call me the space cowboy
ME: dude we only did that once and we all really really regret it
Dr Suess isn’t that special. watch this:
I’m mad and sad and doing very bad
Son: I thought about asking if you wanted a Klondike bar at 2 am.
Me: Why didn’t you ask?
S: I heard you snoring and didn’t want to wake you.
M: You can wake me any time, especially if it’s about ice cream.10 minutes later:
Me: So… I snore??
Can’t, The Thundercats need me.
Home is where the Wi-Fi is.
[Guy sees octopus doing squats at the gym on 4 legs]
“You doing legs today?”Octopus: Yeah my fourarms hurt.
[Lab]
MONSTER: What is my name?
“We’ll call you…Frankenstein”
MONSTER: But that is your name
“Yeah, people won’t make a big deal of it”
I would like to take a moment to publicly apologize to my wife for answering her phone and bringing it to her while she was on the toilet. I didn’t know your boss was facetiming you
No thanks, Cosmo. I already know 20 ways to drive my man crazy in the bedroom. Any room really. Unintentionally. I’m difficult to be with.
Don’t be mean to people. With the way the economy is going, you might have to eat those people and your anger is just going to make their meat all stressed out and stringy. Choose love.
[Brings a snowball to a work meeting and tosses it at boss] I’m not trying to disprove the theory of global warming I just don’t like you.
Don’t be fooled by American Airlines, it is just one airline