911: Sir, I understand you think it did it against your will and was aggressive but we can’t arrest an auto flush toilet.
Me: I WASNT READY
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Sure my kids were embarrassed when I asked to have a manager come to our table, but the menu didn’t list a 50¢ charge for extra ranch dressing and I’m hella pissed.
My favorite Easter tradition is changing the subject when my mom calls and asks if I went to church.
Normalize hissing at people who stand too close to you in the checkout line.
They add a scent to natural gas so we can smell it if there’s a leak and we’re in danger. Same reason Axe Body Spray has a scent.
My wife said we would save money on Halloween candy if we bought it at Aldi so I guess we’re handing out Twicks, Skattles, and 4 Musketeers.
Imagine me riding a bike.
Wrong.
There’s no seat.
Moses: And number 7 is thou shalt not steal
Ol’ lying, thieving, murdering Dave who hates his parents: This is starting to feel personal
One day we will tell our grandkids how far we had to scroll to get to the recipe.
it’s sundress season and i have several dresses with pockets and and if you don’t think i’m gonna use them to carry spicy chicken nuggets and mini babybels, you are mistaken
romeo and juliet is what happens when you don’t sync your watches before a mission
ham: accepted, non-offensive
hamn: curse, extremely forbidden
If my dude is messaging you.. he’s your dude..
Keep. Him. 😂
*texts* I need you, babe. Come over now.
[20 minutes later]
Oh hi! *holds out jar* Can you open this?
This day in history. 1924. Franz Kafka died after a surrealistically charged life which should have its own adjective. Kafkastic? Kafkable?
SHEEP: okay you’re in charge of keeping the flock together
ME: what
SHEEP: you herd me
If a huge bird swooped down and snatched my infant I’m not sure if I’d scream, “my god, my baby!” or “Honey, Honey, get the bird book!”
Cop: This is a ticket for drunk and disorderly behavior.
Me: Can I have another? I’d like to bring a guest.
My standup has no deeper message and if I find out I’m empowering anyone or anything I’ll quit.
[dinner at brother’s house]
“So where are the kids?”
Brother: I grounded them.
*spits out meatloaf*
I don’t understand why people are giving me weird looks. It’s like they’ve never seen someone in a sleeping bag in front of 7-Eleven on Slurpee Day.
[getting eaten by a snake] HELP THIS SLEEPING BAG IS EATING ME.
I’m not a jealous person but seriously, if you star her tweets one more time I’m going to squeeze the balls of this vodoo doll so hard…
at my high school reunion everyone kept asking where my date was so I finally told them my dog ate him. no one laughed
Dogs are like babies, you can’t actually tell people theirs is ugly.
I refuse to believe Marchioness of Cholmondeley is a legitimate title, and not just what would happen if I drank 5 glasses of wine and then tried to say Matthew Mcconaughey.
date: you can’t seriously be mad
me: [one french fry fewer than before] i just hope i don’t starve
I miss the days when my work wife and my wife wife were different people.
Those turkeys presidents pardon? HUGE campaign donors.
Imagine meeting the man of your dreams…
and he says, “prolly.”
[sitting on my couch eating matzah slathered in Nutella, watching Masterchef] wow I can’t believe he didn’t bake his cheesecake in a water bath