I’m 50. All celebrity news looks like this:
‘CURTAINS FOR ZOOSHA? K-SMOG AND BATBOY CAUGHT FLIPPING A GRUNT’
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Before you marry someone, try decorating a Christmas tree together.
“I can’t believe you string lights like that, Brad. I’m out.”
[first day as a hacker] *puts ax down* i got inside their computer alright
Go ahead and share your political views at this office party. We’re all friends here.
– alcohol
I’m actually kind of handsome when you’re drunk and the light is low and there’s no other dudes around and you have low standards.
I don’t need lip fillers. I have two toddlers constantly head-butting me.
Imagine “are you ready for some football?” sung to the tune of “Do You Want To Build A Snowman?” Yes I’m trying to ruin this for everyone.
HR says I’m not allowed to build an electric fence around my desk for days I have to go into the office .
my husband’s quarantine amazon cart: – fruit and vegetable seeds
– toilet paper
– educational toys for the kidsmy quarantine amazon cart:
– four (4) horse masks
– a theatrical quality replica of elsa’s dress from frozen 2
– a lifesize cardboard cutout of richard madden
SKETCH ARTIST: *holds up drawing of a single bit of straw*
CAMEL: [in a wheelchair, tears in his eyes] That’s him!
When you’re in the voting booth this fall, remember that Abe Lincoln didn’t slay all those vampires so that Trump could become President.
[in the car with the wife]
*I take both hands off the wheel*
Wife: Thank you, that was making it very hard for me to drive
The mail slot on your door is so you can tell the mailman you love him
Someone asked who sang Johnny B Goode, and I said Marty McFly because I’m not an idiot and I know how time travel works.
The best trick to ordering pizza is asking them not to cut it. By law, they can only charge you for one slice.
Everyone is always doing laundry
*changes name to laundry
It’s funny how humans are so picky about sex partners and dogs are all, “that smells about right”
“It’s a dog-eat-dog world.”
– Hannibal Labradoodle
Work tip: if you’re going to ask your boss if you can “work from home”, don’t use air quotes.
Got tazed at the zoo again for telling a group of kids that the dominant male in a pride of lions was called ‘The Mane Man’.
Avocado: not ripe
Avocado: not ripe
Avocado: not ripe
Avocado: I’M RIPE NOW
Avocado: okay you were in the bathroom so I rotted
At what age should you put the tonsils back in
Wasps: bees, but not helping
Breathe in deeply, eat a rotisserie chicken, breathe out.
Hey girls: FYI, if you tilt the camera up just a wee bit higher you can actually get your face in the picture.
A haiku about getting the kids up for school:
Get up get up get
Up geT UP GET UP GET UP
Great there goes the bus
Sorry I booped your nose when you said that you loved me.
i work as a dj on the side. i like to hide a speaker somewhere in the club and make it drown out my music with a home depot ad every five minutes. everybody runs around trying to shut it off, but no one can figure out where it’s coming from. my stage name is DJ ESPN’s Website
Dolly Parton wrote “Jolene” and “I Will Always Love You” on the same day and I’ve been “getting ready to vacuum” for the past two weeks.
I am upset with my parents for making me exist. u just decided to make a person one day? who’s gonna pay my bills? me? I didn’t ask for this
ME: Oh, Sky Butler, help me in my hour of need.
GOD: I told you to stop calling me that.
ME: Okay, but I can’t find my keys.