Good Morning.
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“Everyday I’m mumblin'”-Bane
Elmer Fudd discusses relationship with Bugs Bunny in revealing new interview. “Pwofessional. Not fwiends…it’s compwicated.”
You girls were right about these yoga pants. I have never been more comfortable eating a bucket of extra crispy.
I totally understand how “please leave your brother alone” can be interpreted as “throw toys at him.” It’s just common sense.
Have your tribal tattoo call my tramp stamp and let’s make beautiful, douchey babies together.
I’m so tired of all this cheap chicanery! Sir, where do you keep the expensive chicanery?
No I can’t go questing today my squire has midterms.
high difficulty level escape room concept: u are laying in bed and u have one hour to get out of bed
If I worked in a used record store I would tell every customer “all sales are vinyl” until I was fired.
It would be worth it.
Hubs: Kids are still asleep! Know what that means?
Me: We have to be quick!
*Runs to the hidden box of Cocoa Puffs and pours 2 big bowls*
With age comes wisdom. And digestive trouble.
Sometimes I feel driving over Beliebers, but then I’m like, “what is wrong with me??” because I just got my car washed.
my kids: dad will you make us some grilled cheese?
me: how did you even find me? there’s like 12 bars in this town
I’m from the generation when we’re telling a story about our childhood we say “You have to remember, cellphones weren’t around back then.”
deleting my dating apps because I want to meet someone the old fashioned way (by stealing my father’s armor and running away in the middle of the night to fight northern invaders with the Chinese army and compete with a handsome fellow soldier by pretending to be a man)
Happy Father’s day to all the dads out there trying to keep the front door closed so u don’t AIR CONDITION THE WHOLE NEIGHBORHOOD. COME ON
Women don’t mind compliments on their shoes from under a bathroom stall, it’s when you ask to try them on that they get all weird about it
YOU’RE NOT THE BOSS OF ME
Hair Dresser: You could get extensions to add length.
Me: You could stop cutting.
I’ve added lunges to my workout routine. It’s a big step forward.
Morpheus: If you take the red pill, I will show you what the Matrix is.
Neo: *ingests pill* Whoa.
Morpheus: It’s also a powerful laxative.
Before you decide to have kids, you should know that they need to be entertained 27 hours a day.
My math is correct, just ask any parent.
“He’s the hero Gotham deserves, but not the one it needs right now.”
I bet homophobic guys get reincarnated into condoms.
I have entirely too many new bruises for someone who isn’t getting laid
Ok kids, you get in bed, I’ll get the story book.
All tucked in? Here we go…*opens The Shining
Telling your child their sibling is still asleep a very effective way to get them to practice their instrument.
My bank, who passed all 14 interest rate rises onto my home loan account, but only half of them onto my savings account, just sent me some tips on how to identify financial scammers
In today’s episode of “My Kids will be the Death of Me,” we examine why the top of the stairs is the most popular place to play
God: you’re a zebra.
Zebra: nice!
God: you have black stripes.
Zebra: like a tiger?
God: yes exactly!
Zebra: so we’re the same!
God: no.
Zebra: why not?
God: you eat grass instead of meat.
Zebra: omg i’m a vegetarian tiger!