Missed garbage day today if you’re looking for a bad boy that doesn’t play by the rules
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“I Still Haven’t Found What I’m Looking For” is my favourite song about opening and closing the fridge 150 times a day
The year is 2035.
The only movies are superhero reboots.
Anyone caught looking up from their phone is fined $100.
they should invent a rest for the wicked
The in-laws took my kids for a sleepover giving us the first kid-free night in years. So, of course, a jackhammer started in front of our house at 7:30am
How did Kim Kardashian get her hands on Liberace’s bath robe? #GrammysRedCarpet
Neighbor was looking at her engine, I thought I’d help, she said the check engine light came on so she opened the hood but didn’t know what she should be checking for. So then we both stood there checking the engine.
I admit opening an alligator petting zoo was not the best idea, but I told the kids to be careful so there’s plenty of blame to go around.
My toddler stole bacon off my plate.
We all had a good laugh.
Then I made her move out.
Job requirements these days be like:
Looking to hire a caterpillar. Must have ten years experience as a butterfly.
When I die I want a memorial bench with a plaque that simply says ‘WET PAINT’ because I don’t want people sitting on my bench.
She said “you look like trouble”…so I nudged her down the stairs, because I don’t like people falling short of their expectations.
It sucks that boomers got sports cars for their mid-life crisis but I’m probably just gonna start playing World of Warcraft again
They say women only use 10% of their anger
Women are like bacon: we look good, we smell good, we taste good and we will slowly kill you.
HUNDRED DOLLAR IDEA:
Go to an ATM.
Withdraw $100.
When skinny girls say “I’m so fat” to fish for a compliment from me, I just agree.
The worst thing about dentists is they put that paper bib on you but they never bring you lobster.
It’s not the amount of followers young GRASSHOPPER.
It’s the quality of followers.
2001 A Space Odyssey 2
The spaceship returns
HAL is just as uncooperative as ever.
He never works.
He becomes the basis for Windows 10.
My “Mum” says I need to learn how to use quotation marks.
My CW just barked.
Ok, it may have been a burp, but I’d like him a lot more if he were turning into a dog, so I think he barked.
Foal me once, I have a baby horse. Foal me twice, no one needs this many baby horses. Foal me thrice, please stop. I have no room for them.
This florist doesn’t even know anything about floors, and he’s acting like I’m the stupid one!
Her: Well, I know I told you that.
Me: *closes eyes*
Her: What are you doing?
Me: Checking for it in my spam folder.
[Whole Foods]
ME: Hi
CLERK: Hello
ME: Do you…uh
CLERK: Do we what?
ME: Do you have any…uh
CLERK: Go on
ME: Do you have any Half Foods?
Got a little bit lost in the woods. I’m putting everything into the clothes hamper in case of tics.
Heck, I’m going into the hamper too.
Dear kangaroos, what’s stopping you from looking like this?
[first BDSM session]
Dom: Let’s begin. Safeword?
Me: fwerd
Dom: No! SAFEWORD
Me: *flinching* FWERD
Admin smashed it 😂
Ron is short for Aaronald