Cop: “License and registration please.”
*opens glove compartment and a harmonica falls out*
Me: “I swear to God, officer! That isn’t mine!”
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I accidentally texted “dong” instead of “doing” and long story short, we’re looking for a new babysitter.
😳
Starting a small business is too hard. I’m just going to start a big business then wait for some of it to fail
Starting another round of pottery classes. I may just be a beginner, but I’m feeling inspired. What should I make tonight?
a. A bowl
or
b. A bowl
A wine sampling? How delightful. I’d also like to experience only a titch of love and a morsel of happiness.
If they ever reboot Grease, it must be directed by M. Night Shama-lamma-ding-dong.
If I die, someone please tell my husband that my shoes are worth six times as much as I said I paid for them.
I should wash my van
We could use the rain
Kids look forward to recess.
Adults look forward to Reese’s.
I heard a landline ring the other day and I legit thought it was a fire alarm
[in prison]
me: so u guys come here often?
When you’re craving a Krabby Patty so bad!!! But the Krusty Krab is closed….and also fictional.
My dad had a weird sense of humor. When I was 5, I tried to “dig a hole to China.” The next day when I went back to dig more, there were egg rolls in the hole
A first kiss so tentative and awkward, you regret all the time you spent practicing on your beagle.
Did I just say that out loud?
I’ll leave a to-do list on the table in case any of you stalkers get bored.
Our new dog has her first training class today where she will hopefully learn to stop dislocating my shoulder when she sees a squirrel on our walks.
If I owned a roofing business, I’d call it What in Tar Nation or We’ve Got Shingles or We’re Not Eavesdropping or We Are the Leaders or We Gotchu Covered or
I really upset my wife last week but she seems to have forgotten all about it. In fact she’s forgotten a few things since then, like my deadly nut allergy and the whereabouts of my epipen.
Nothing like the lingering dread of a project that goes far too easily.
The recipe blogs that have the “jump to recipe” button are the real winners
Me: It’s America’s birthday!
Kid: Like Brave?
Me: Yes! Home of the brave. So smart!
Kid: I like her orange hair.
Me: …ok let’s start over.
Sales clerk: That handbag is very pleasing to the eye.
Customer: Really? I don’t like it.
Giant Disembodied Eye: YOU REALLY SHOULD BUY IT
Me: You can’t honestly expect me to believe this house isn’t haunted; I can see the ghost walls from here.
Realtor: Those are windows.
My 3yo just realized that when he’s an adult he can drive himself to get donuts and he’s gonna need a minute
[School Bus Driver Interview]
INTERVIEWER: What’s your greatest weakness?
GREEN LANTERN: {Don’t say the color yellow} Um…children
*pokes head out of dressing room*
uh yeah, i can’t find a single bottle of ranch in here
These people act like they’ve never seen a woman eat a whole rotisserie chicken before.
Me to waiter: “I’m eating for 2.”
Waiter: “Oh, you’re pregnant?”
Me: “No, my sister was supposed to meet me here, but she can’t make it.”
invention of lasagna: what if pasta was a book
Sorry waiter for pushing you over when you asked me to tip you