My husband didn’t help change the sheets so I ate two hard-boiled eggs before bed. Check. Mate.
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Imagine of clown was just a way of life and not a job. You go to a restaurant and there’s a clown waiter. You get sick and there’s a clown surgeon.
[Murderer in the middle of murdering me]
Can you put your phone down for 2 seconds while I’m murdering you I mean really
If y’all are gonna insist on calling those things “hoverboards,” I’ll be over here flying around with my “jetpack.”
Me: it’s better to give than to receive.
Daughter: what about my enemies?
Me: d-do you have any enemies?
Daughter: not anymore.
Me: what does that mean?
Daughter:
Me: you’re only two! what does that mean?
The Bachelorette… but for cats.
[meeting]
BOSS: We need a name that gives us a good ad slogan
ME: Perhapselline?
MY NEMESIS GARY: Maybelline?
B: You’re incredible, Gary
This is the best one I’ve seen
If you want to look mysterious I would suggest painting your cornea with a sharpie. Always works for me.
The seven new planets cause havoc with your readings. There is nothing but chaos and pain and, for some reason, hot singles in your area.
Johnny Depp’s wife of just over a year Filed for Divorce today…
With NO prenup…She is gonna get soooooo many bracelets.
HISTORIAN: So the important thing to remember is Ted Bundy was a horrific serial killer.
PRODUCER: Right. Also incredibly hot.
HISTORIAN: Really, just, try to focus on how he was a homicidal monster.
PRODUCER: Yeah, total smoke show, we’re on the same page.
In the UK we celebrate Thanksgiving as the day we managed to ship all our paranoid religious fundamentalists off to another continent.
there were like 2 years when american internet culture was obsessed with bacon and at the time we thought that was as bad as it could get
My wife and children normally go to bed around 8:45. I do not. My house is very quiet and I am able to get a lot of work done while they’re sleeping.
About a minute ago, I turned around in my office just as my wife was coming to say hello.
I am ashamed of the scream I made.
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: This one?
ME: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?
Me to Gonzo: Stop chasing after her! She’s toxic!
Gonzo: You don’t even know her, Mom!
Me: Well, I know she’s a toad.
Husband: Honey, is it called an octopus because it has eight pu-
Wife: No
*doesn’t turn down whale sounds relaxation cd while being pulled over*
Jaws (1975): A shark gets annoyed because a bunch of people break into the ocean
Scientist proclaim “This is our last hope” as they load cats into a giant old timey cannon pointed at an asteroid not hurdling toward earth.
I had two naps today but every time I wake up I’m still at work.
me telling my computer i’ll update everything tomorrow
If you ever get attacked by a bear, throw your shark at it. Also, get a shark.
It’s cute when kids say what they want to be when they grow up. You’re gonna write emails on the computer buddy
My husband is suddenly showering everyday, so I assume he’s having an affair
Arguing over who really won the spelling bee but it’s their word against mine
Everyone: New year resolutions.
2021: When will they learn…
i just ate a disturbing amount of hummus. my apologies to my dog.
Hotel clerk: May I help you?
Me: Call an ambulance.
HC: What happened?
M: I’m not sure. Someone said calm down and I blacked out after that.
Nothing’s stopping you from doing a book signing. You don’t have to have written a book, there are plenty of them just lying around