What do Kermit the Frog, John the Baptist, and Vlad the Impaler have in common?
Same middle name.
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Industrial strength nuclear powered leaf blowers make relocating your neighbors a snap. Just power it up and watch them roll away like human tumbleweeds.
“Man, what’s eating you today?
*looks down*
I Don’t know…. GET IT OFF OF ME!!!
[HONK HONK]
…one more honk and I’m gonna…
[HONK]
*gets out of my car*
*walks to the car behind me*
*feeds the driver’s goose some bread*
Karate Kid (1984) Two grown adults enlist minors to fight a martial arts proxy war.
[first date]
Me: I collect taxidermy
Him: Really, taxidermy?
Me: It’s a family thing[later, at my place]
Me: Feel free to hang your coat on my stepmom
cut negativity out of your life. delete Facebook. block your landlord’s number. uninstall your banking app. stop paying taxes. forget math. self care.
[shampoo bottle falls in the bath]
all other bottles: WE ARE COMING FOR YOU, BROTHER
“Wife stabs husband with squirrel” was on the news.. Does anyone know how to sharpen a Squirrel?
😬
You can’t hurt my feelings, pffft, I have three kids
*sees group of firemen standing around a campfire*
me: hEY leave that little guy alone
4yo: I had a dream about u mommy
Me: I feel so special
4yo: I flushed u down the toilet
magician: who wants to volunteer to get sawed in half
[raises my hand]
magician: and then… put back together
[lowers my hand]
If you keep bending your iPhone 6 you’ll eventually have a sweet flip phone.
There’s plenty of fish in the sea except when you’re fishing, or single.
pirate: walk the plank
me: ok but i don’t have a leash lol
pirate: *drops sword* dad?
MOM: Story time
ME: Yay!
MOM: it’s called
“The Little Engine that Could, but doesn’t cuz he’s a little shit that won’t move out”ME: mom?
Why call it income when it outgo from bank account so fast?
WEBSITE CEO: We need a fool-proof way to ensure everyone who enters the site is over 18
“What about clicking on a button that says I’m over 18?”
WEBSITE CEO: Bob, you have done it again
Kids got tired of fighting in the house and online, so we got a pool.
There is no wrong response when someone tells you they have named their pet after you.
“I’m so glad I stopped killing spiders after re-reading Charlottes Web”, I say out loud to my delicious bacon
I always wink at the local Funeral Director, because he will be the last one to see me naked, and I don’t want it to be awkward.
Just overheard someone say they need an “escape goat” for their project & I can’t decide if they’re a complete idiot or an evil genius.
Relationship status: My wife calls me her chauffeur because I drive her nuts…
[1st date]
“My birthday is on April 20th, so 4/20. Isn’t that cool? When’s yours?”
Oh, umm *sweating* Sextember 69th
Me: I haven’t tweeted in days.
Wife: Oh no! Hold on…*opens laptop
*typesWife: Phew!
Me: What?
Wife: Looks like the Internet survived.
i have been told spending the night in this haunted house will grant me immunity from being pranked or fooled on the april fool day
It is NOT acceptable to lift up the back of a woman’s shirt to look at her lower back tattoo, even if you’re at Walmart… I know that now
*Speed dating*
Me: “Do you say bless you when your dog sneezes?”
Him: “No.”
Me: “Next.”