When you’re attracted to someone and you don’t even know why, that’s called chemystery
,,,and send
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Somewhere, a real Nigerian prince is sitting at his computer wondering, “Why oh why does nobody reply to my emails?”
I bet Hell is sitting in front of every person you know while a slideshow of all of your deleted selfies is played on a loop.
Warm pools make me nervous.
What I said: it’s bedtime
What my kid heard: put on a Batman mask and check the hallways for crime
I accidentally swallowed some Scrabble squares.
Going for a poo could spell trouble!
*I throw my hat into the ring*
Oh you wanna fight do ya?
*I throw my pants into the ring*
Pal this is gettin’ weird
*I throw my skin into th
Pet me.
More.
Yeah, that’s it.
Everywhere.
No, not there. *opens your vein*– cats
ME: We live in an uncaring universe void of meaning and purpose.
WIFE: I understand, but you’re still folding all this laundry.
[First Date]
Me: I’ll just have a salad.
[Second Date]
Me: *on table, hunched over like four plates of nachos, hissing* My precioussss.
I’m here because I’ve been in therapy for 6 years, and all I do there is lie.
I tattooed the word “WINNER” on my forehead in case I meet anyone new and they have any doubts
Save a reindeer.
Ride a Canadian.
my (35m) 10,000 rats (1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 2m, 4m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 2m, 4m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f..
i stopped listening to the radio once they stopped making them out of ham
The internet is undefeated.. 😂
🎶Row, row, Robocop
Gently down the stream
Directive one: Uphold the law
I am part machine🎶
[Casio headquarters, 1975]
CEO: We need to make our calculators more versatile. Give me your ideas.
First executive: Maybe they could also be phones?
Second executive, a smoker who often oversleeps: I have a better idea.
me: I would sell my soles for some chocolate right now
devil: done! wait, what the h-
me: no takebacksies
devil: *holding a pair of sensible flats* damnit
When the chips are down, be a good friend & say a few kind words to the chips. See if that helps.
The problem with Netflix recommendations is they assume I “liked” a show just because I watched 13 hours of it
Is it wrong to eat a Blueberry Muffin that looks just like your dog?!
“Londoners need to be more afraid”
Nah, we’re British, we only panic about a light snow or finding out we’re out of milk.
The most unrealistic part of cooking shows is when they have enough room in their fridge to fit an entire baking sheet.
So the neighbor just came by & my daughter asked if she liked the cookies. My neighbor said, “I sure did! I ate them for breakfast.” My daughter slowly turned her head & looked back at me in disbelief, realizing for the first time that adults can eat whatever the f*** they want.
They should punish kids who do well in school with more homework to prepare them for what happens to people who are efficient at their jobs.
Hey, does anyone know how to stop eating chips?
BOSS TELLS ME I CAN KISS MY FERRETS AT WORK, BUT NO OPEN MOUTH. I PUNCH THE FLOOR SO HARD HIS SCREEN SAVER DEACTIVATES
The great thing about playing the accordion is no one knows if you’re good at it or not.
I admire my phone for not working when it gets too hot. I, too, sometimes feel that I’m so hot I shouldn’t have to work