“Password is incorrect”
*resets password*
“New password cannot be the same as the old password”
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hi yes i’d like a vodka salad please
“you mean a bloody mary”
yeah yeah whatever just hurry it up
Me: How do I beat the bully?
Dad: Just punch him
Me: I am not doing that
Dad: Or grow up, work hard, and be more successful and popular than him
Me: So like an uppercut?
guy: my dog just died
girl who studied abroad: wow that reminds of this one time in Europe i saw a dog
I’m pretty sure I made one of those “If we’re both still single” pacts with someone. I just wish I’d written down his name.
girlfriend: let’s go for a romantic weekend at my parents cabin that was built on a Native American burial ground right next to that abandoned mine shaft where all those people died
me: yeah ok
[Harry Potter runs and smashes face into brick wall]
Sign: “PLATFORM 9 3/4 CLOSED DUE TO COVID-19”
I ran without my headphones today & was reminded that I feel better about my fitness when my soundtrack isn’t my panicked gasping breathing.
[First date]
“So, do you have any pets?”
Yeah, I have a pet crow. He’s white.
“You have an albino crow?”
He prefers the term cawcasian.
“These are serious allegations”
You never hear about anyone making hilarious allegations.
Apparently, Indian banks will give you a loan only if you prove that you don’t need it.
Sure the blue urinal cakes LOOK delicious but I’ve learned my lesson
ME: I want to take long walks with you.
HER: Aww…are you a romantic?
ME: No, I don’t have a car.
[first day as police sketch artist]
“Yes those are dog ears. I wanted to give the killer a touch of whimsy.”
do singers know a song will be big beforehand? like that snow white hi-ho song, no way those lil’ dudes knew, they were just mining and shit
Shout-out to my embarrassingly squeaky ass bed frame that makes me sound more popular than I actually am to my neighbors.
If my memory foam mattress really had “memory,” it could write for Penthouse.
EARTH: with your vast wealth you could stop poverty 90 times over
ELON MUSK: [daydreaming] I’m going to put ice cream trucks on the moon
My mom announced her retirement yesterday, and her boss immediately started expressing concerns about all the tax penalties she’d incur by taking Social Security “early.”
And that’s how my mom found out everybody at work thought she was 15 years younger than her actual age.
The only downside is the realization that several people at work knew how old her children were, meaning a lot of people have been operating under the assumption she had a lot of kids in high school.
My kid’s school asked them to get a family relic for school “show and tell”. He asked what’s a relic and they said ancient things. So he asked me to give him anything I had from my childhood.
“Don’t kid yourself.”
—birth control advert
While everyone is out watching the eclipse, I’m going to launch my career as a burglar.
Me: Don’t worry, I have cold hard cash to pay for this.
*pulls coin bucket out of freezer
I am officially old enough to have to put on glasses to find my pants
It’s adorable how breakfast assumes we’re all able to fast.
[anniversary text]
H: miss u already. don’t get too lonely in that hotel suite w/o me.
M: *soaking in hot tub, sipping 4th mimosa while eating chocolate covered strawberries* who dis?
Float like a jellyfish, sting like a jellyfish.
Pumpkins are so versatile, they can be made into pies, lattes, carriages…
I wouldn’t know what to do with a member even if I caught one
My ancestors watching me pay $10 for a pint of ice cream
Queen Elizabeth dresses like she’s about to go to prom with Steve Harvey