*Hears something go bump in the night.
Me: *jumping out of bed. Who’s there?
Ghost: Oh shit, I woke the scary one.
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The only way Congress will ever pass common sense gun control is if they’re threatened at gunpoint
ME: I’m taking it back.
WIFE: It’s fine, just sit down and eat your lunch.
ME (already at counter): How much do I owe you for the onion ring in my fries?
Is it physically possible to be sad in rollerskates? Cause I think my cat’s just being dramatic.
Me: I’m going to start eating healthier!
*buys exactly the same groceries + 1 carrot*
Me: Nailed it.
IT’S SATURDAY & TONIGHT I’M PARTYING LIKE A ROCKSTAR!!!
*folds laundry*
*cleans litter box*
*makes friendship bracelet for karate instructor*
Space could be filled with vampires, but we would never know, because telescopes use mirrors.
people that say “on another note” probably use a lot of paper
she’s already got guys telling her she’s beautiful. be different. send her a cheese board.
Check out this image, then fill in the blank:
“All these two cared about was ____________”Finish the sentence here:
📷: elevasseur
*notice roommate’s tampon wrappers in bathroom garbage*
*hides all my chocolate*
*eats way too much delicious space pudding*
Me: Oof I am STUFFED! What’d you call this again?
Alien Chef: OH MY GOD YOU ATE MY GRANDMOTHER!
I was in a park and a lady loudly called out “Anyone who wants an ice cream come over here”. I headed over with several others. She handed out ices to them all then asked me “Who are you?”. I realised the rest were all her family. 30 years later I still cringe.
ME: Wow I have to print this document right now
PRINTER: Like, right right now?
i bought a michael meyers decal for my car window and my son said if you put that on your car i’m never driving your car. aww, look at how cute he is thinking he was ever going to drive my car
No more excuses…
…I’m canceling that gym membership.
From now on whenever I order at a restaurant, I’m going to say “whatever is easiest for you.”
That way it seems like I’m being really nice and I don’t have to make a decision.
“Sushi” is Japanese for “take a picture of this, white girls.”
She’s marrying HIM?! TODAY?!
*cut to me sprinting across town to stop the wedding but I see a good dog at the park and pet him instead*
KIDS: [from the kitchen] dad…may we have ice cream?
ME: no you may not
[long pause]
K: dad…may we be forgiven if we already had ice cream?
This girl text me: “your adorable
I text back: no YOU’RE adorable
Now she likes me and I was just pointing out her typo…
being in a club at my age feels more like i’m being set-up for an episode of “To Catch a Predator”
#WarAgainstPorn because they’re having sex and we’re not. No porn for anyone until everyone’s having sex, ok?
What do you mean we “lost” an hour of sleep? FIND IT
interviewer: the job starts at 30k but in a year you’ll be making $40k
me: *gets up* ok see you then
Olfactory?! You mean that place downtown where a man cans millions of peaches?
The Mayan Calendar doesn’t really stop at 2012, they just ran out of sexy firefighters.
Condensed milk is from dwarf cows
me: [selects “send verification code as text” on a website]
me three seconds later: oh boy a tex mesage
Teens be like, “I wanted to do that until you asked me to”.