I ordered Chinese food last night. My fortune cookie said “LOL” and I’ve never agreed with one more.
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A wine sampling? How delightful. I’d also like to experience only a titch of love and a morsel of happiness.
I honestly have allergies and dry skin this time of year, but it never looks good for a dude to have tissues & lotion on his desk.
Getting grey hair hurts less when you say you’re sprouting tinsel instead.
Dads will insist the Masters is exciting while also napping through it.
HUMPTY DUMPTY: Quick, put me back together!
TOTO: There’s nothing that 100 men or more could ever do.
HUMPTY DUMPTY: …maybe call the horses?
I’ve decided that bringing a condom to a gunfight wasn’t the smartest choice for protection.
It’s important to teach your children math so they can better understand what episode of Star Wars they are watching.
Hey, so I was working on an Excel spreadsheet and hit an unfamiliar function button and, long story short, now I am trapped inside it and all these numbers are mad at me
Gross, who put proof in this pudding?
My man wants me to understand him better so I’m not getting my mustache waxed this month.
Shampoo is much more marketable than it’s original name, Shamshit.
Real women don’t wish their enemies would die, just that they’ll get fat.
I’m sorry for all the traffic today in Los Angeles. I went outside in tiny shorts
My favorite child is the one who can always find the remote.
If you get into a fight with a polar bear, boost your chances of success by requesting a postponement until 2065. There’s a good chance polar bears will be extinct by then so you’ll win by default for just turning up
if food packaging listed side effects like drug labels do:
ice cream: intense pleasure followed by self loathing
kale: smug sense of superiority
bacon: bacon
Earth was the first world I created. It has all kinds of problems. #firstworldproblems
My mother is my travel agent for guilt trips.
*Buys world map*
*Pins map to wall*
*Promises to visit wherever dart lands*
*Throws dart at fridge*
There’s never a good place to clip your toenails at the library.
Went outside. Touched grass. Got bit by bugs. Zero stars
6YO said she’ll never be able to appreciate winter, cause snow on the bushes reminds her of cauliflower
Before towels were invented people rubbed themselves against the carpet.
Me: *seductively* I’m ready for my cavity search
Dentist: please stop
I’m home alone for the first time in 45 years and I’m only 39
going ballistic.
anyone need anything?
Just saw a touching BP commercial where BP congratulates BP for doing some of what BP was legally required to do after it wrecked the earth.
It’s almost 2020 and we still haven’t made a smoke detector that can tell the difference between an Indian cooking and an apartment on fire.
lol
[road trip]
Me: one more word out of you and I’ll turn this car right around!
Kid: but
Me: that’s it, BACK TO DISNEYLAND