Me [double-clicking a word to select it]
Microsoft Word: are you trying to select this entire sentence?
Me: no, just the one word
Microsoft Word: ok are you trying to select the entire paragraph?
Me: no, just that word…
Microsoft Word: ok I’ll just delete this entire page
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My man put me on eBay, that’s right, I got bidnapped
[priest sees me approaching him again] look man we can’t make you better at fortnite
Schrödinger’s wife: Have you seen the cat?
Schrödinger: I have good news and bad news
“No new iPhone, I just wanted to talk about my feelings” – Tim Cook, hopefully
I carry a knife whenever I’m running late to work because that’s what Counterstrike taught me: “You always run faster with a knife”.
BARISTA: what can I get you
ME: medium roast please
B: ok, your gray roots are getting obvious and you have the silhouette of a potato
M: *under breath* damn
I’ve invented a loaf of bread that says ‘Good Morning!’ in German.
I’ve also invented one that just says ‘Morning!’ in German, that’s the guten-free version.
Until I got married I didn’t even know it was possible to chew bubblegum arrogantly.
I’am drinking with my new GF and her gay friend from work. So there’s 100% chance I’am getting laid and a 50% chance I’ll like it.
what idiot decided to call it “the Iliad & the Odyssey” and not Troy Story and Troy Story 2
3 has started saying “actually,” so now I have a tiny reply guy following me around all day
I try to avoid things that make me fat, like scales, mirrors, and photographs.
Last night, we decided to play UNO as a family & wouldn’t you know it’s the perfectly named game because it only took playing one round for my kids to hate each other
So according to the PM, we’re being asked to vote on basis of a plan which we are not allowed to see. You can tell she’s a vicar’s daughter.
I was going to pay the taxi driver with my leftovers from lunch but that wouldn’t be fare to him
I’m no socialist but I do believe everyone is born with an inherent right to as many dipping sauces for their mcnuggets as they want.
I saw my dog eat yellow snow this weekend… and I’d still take her advice before yours.
barista: do you just want the 2 cookies and one brownie
me: thank you for the word ‘just’
Hey everyone, try my new soft drink. It’s called MOIST
Call me faithless, but I just can’t believe three guys would travel that far on camels to throw a baby shower.
Them: Describe the joys of parenthood in 2 words.
Me: The what?
“You have such a great personality”
Me: Thanks, I collect them.
How many mystery writers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Two: One to screw it almost all the way in and the other to give it a surprising twist at the end
[At a One Direction concert]
No, I’m not a…I SAID NO I’M NOT A BIG ONE DIRECTION FAN I JUST HATE MYSELF AND FEEL THE NEED TO SELF PUNISH
Whenever customer service agents say that they’re recording the phone call, I’ve started saying, “I am too.”
Service is way better.
What Swiss Army Knife attachment do I use to put those holes in cheese?
GF: Look, I’m just gonna say it…I can’t see you anymore
ME [wearing my new camouflage suit] lol, that is just awesome
Me: Do you want to get dressed up for Thanksgiving dinner?
Husband: Sure! What should we wear?
Me: Shoes?
I don’t hate anyone. I just don’t like people.
“lmao why do you guys keep calling it ‘The Last Supper ‘? Seems pretty ominous, right?”
-Jesus