My wife just opened my car door for me.
Would have been a nice gesture had we not been going 70mph.
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they said marry your best friend but then got all weird when I proposed to my dog pick a lane
I cleaned the house but I have kids, so that was stupid
a great headline for when there is a world wide fresh water shortage will be “water we gonna do??” we will need the laughs
I’ll never buy an electric guitar. Only gas guitars for me thank you very much.
I’m just a short girl, sitting in a car, being strangled by my seat belt.
You guys are going to lose it when the Identity Theft Mosquitos get here.
You don’t know how to properly recycle cardboard? Let me break it down for you
Lmao the reply
If you want to look mysterious I would suggest painting your cornea with a sharpie. Always works for me.
me: [a rest stop designer] this is the tile I want for the bathrooms that are always out of order
“Dad, where do babies come from?”
“Walmart.”
[table of 6 year olds in lab coats]
How are we supposed to find a cure for cooties if we
*bangs fist on table*
CAN’T EVEN FIND WALDO?!
drunk god: land clouds
angel: those are sheep
The worst thing you can put in your body is carbs. Or maybe a knife.
I ate a tomato slice off the carpet. And some lettuce. And some bleu cheese bits. And mushrooms. I’m saying I dropped my salad on the floor.
*brings elephant to knife fight
*nobody talks about it
Protip: When an office says it’s paperless, it usually does not include the restrooms.
It’s funny how your tweets are funnier now that I know you’re hot.
-everyone on Twitter
I told my wife I wanted to be cremated. She made me an appointment for tomorrow afternoon.
Been on 3 dates now with this girl who works in the zoo. I think she’s a keeper
interview: problem solving skills?
me: i once fit 9 people into a 1986 Toyota Corolla
I yell at my kids to hurry up and then spend 10 minutes searching for a sweatshirt that I’m holding.
6: I want to grow my hair longer.
Me: Oka—
6: So I can bite it.
Me:
Ayn Rand, Rand Paul and Paul Ryan walk into a bar. The bartender serves them tainted alcohol because there are no regulations. They die.
advocating for yourself is so awkward. i wish more professions had agents. i just want a little hype man to meet with my boss and say things like “my client deserves more pay” and “my client is really good at his job” and “i love my client so much does he look taller?”
Being a mother is really quite rewarding.
At tax time.
Do you think Mr. Peanut had a normal first name, like Jim, or do you think it was like roasted or whatever?
Prison guard: don’t flip the switch yet, let’s hear him out
ME: I’m a creep. I’m a weirdo. What the hell am I doing here? I don’t belong here.
GUY: I love that song.
ME: What song?