How much longer until we can get pets that are also wifi hotspots?
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[Me as a gynecologist]
*Knocking on the exam room door*
WOMB SERVICE
Originally it was thought that it was our ability to love that made us human. However, it is now believed that it is our ability to pick out photos with traffic lights in them.
me: [sprinkling white ash on the ground in the shape of a pentagram]
build-a-bear employee: please don’t do that
SON: Daddy, I keep hearing noises from my closet. I think a monster’s in there.
ME: Yeah, why do you think mom and I chose the other room?
Have a friend who takes pics of her food and then goes to the restroom to delete them all. Instagramorexia Nervosa.
Make *almost* everyone want to murder you by talking to yourself.
Make *everyone* want to murder you by sing-talking to yourself.
Leaving restaurant: “That was lovely”
Outside: “Well, it was okay”
In car: “I mean, it wasn’t great”
Back home: “We won’t go there again”
I’m at the age where drinking a cup of coffee now makes me feel like Popeye scarfing down a can of spinach.
*sees a hot girl on the train*
“ay gurl check this out”
*i try to seductively eat a banana but i miss my mouth & smush it into my forehead*
[a guy 3000 years ago putting his wet carrier pigeon in a bowl of rice]
*Steals parking spot from guy backing in*
Him:*middle finger*
Me: [rolls down window] I SEE THAT YOU’RE NOT MARRIED. I ALSO AM NOT MARRIED
[After losing a rap battle]
“How did he get a hold of my credit score?”
Remember the days we could get out of bed without looking like a newborn pony trying to walk?
Good times.
A curse:
May your children do impersonations of you that are both embarrassing and perfectly accurate.
Just got rid of cable and now I can afford a mansion.
Remember: if you see a tie on my doorknob, it means I’m taking the door to prom
*Opens Google*
What date does Cinco de Mayo fall on this year?
I spend a lot of time contemplating the mysteries of life, like why the wall the natives built to keep Kong out had a Kong-sized door in it.
I listen to a lot of white noise, so I get really excited when it rains or someone turns on a fan. It’s like seeing my favourite band live.
[superman saves a kid by stopping a train mid track]
reporter: you just saved the kid by using your super strength to stop the train.
superman: yes, yes I did.
reporter: couldn’t you just have used super speed instead and moved the kid out of the way?
superman:
reporter:
At one point during our audit on Friday my hot boss called me “babe.” That means for the rest of you that your window of opportunity is closing…
professor x: what’s your superpower?
me: heavy-handed product placement
professor kfc: that’s finger lickin’ good
I already told you Mom I’m NOT high and I’ll be home at 10:70
Listening to a friend tell me about her deep and meaningful dream knowing last night I dreamed I found a cave cricket in my nose.
I love when kids say moo cow cause what other kinds of cows are there besides mooing ones?
I like having multiple children because that way if one doesn’t happen to be screaming there’s always another around to pick up the slack.
The only way I would find gender reveal parties even remotely okay is if the guests had the option to boo when the gender is revealed
He raised an eyebrow, put his hand down and with one eye on the table, looked expressionless.
Never play poker against Mr Potato Head.
Nobody’s coming to my pizzarrhea I don’t get it!!!
My 3yo asked me if she could shave the window and it took me a couple minutes to figure out that she wanted to use the squeegee.