My doctor won’t go away. I know what you’re thinking but he has been eating small pieces of apple over many decades to build up an immunity.
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I ain’t afraid of no ghost, but I’m also not out here trying to start shit with them either.
Dog 1: *whispering* you got any drugs?
Dog 2: who said that? Are you a spider?
Hate it when you’re getting rad footage of an accident scene to put on Facebook & some loser says “Hey, aren’t you the paramedic we called?”
Baby Soldier: Ma’am. Your husband is MIA.
Soldiers wife: *covers crying face with hands*
Baby Soldier: Oh great! Now his wife is MIA too.
It’s so annoying when you’re trying to poison someone but they’re just not thirsty 🙁
*accidentally answers phone call*
*pretends to be answering machine*
Orcas seemed to have stopped attacking people and somehow that’s scarier. What are they planning?
My 8yr just said we go together like biscuits and cream cheese. And I can’t tell if that’s a compliment or contradiction
“What do you get if you cross a monkey and a lion?”
I glance nervously over to the basement door, afraid she’s seen something she shouldn’t.
What do Norse mythology and chastity belts have in common?
Asgard.
My boyfriend said it would be nice if once in a while he woke up to breakfast in bed…
I put his bed in the kitchen…
friend: i have no idea how some people have 3 kids
me: they have sex 3 times
inventor of the bow and arrow:
I will now demonstrate my exciting new technique for pointing at someone who is very very far away-OH NO
Me: So, let me get this straight. It’s cute for the toddler to wear her flannel jammies to the grocery store but it’s embarrassing if I do it?
Husband: I have nothing to say. I knew what I was getting into when I married you.
Just won a sausage biscuit at this basketball game. Never give up on your dreams.
My GF left me because she said I lied about stupid things. I was so upset I ate a car park 🙁
The Home Depot guy doesn’t care why we’re buying all this quicklime. Be cool. Stop sweating.
professor x: what’s your superpower?
me: solving equations
professor 3: wow
Imagine the time we’d save if we could just normalize best friends sitting in on marital discussions and arguments so we wouldn’t have to relay all the details later.
My husband and I often laugh about how competitive we are, but I laugh more.
Can’t we just sew all of the candidates together & have the first multi-headed president?
My favorite part about family dinner is when my brother says how he made 600K last year and I get to say someone made a clock of my Avi.
GOD: [reviewing solar system] hmm… i’ll give it 5 stars
EARTH: [imediately starts screamig due to masive gravitational pull of 4 new stars]
If whisky can damage your short term memory, just think what whisky can do.
People act as though the concept of the thought police is a bad thing, but it would actually be really useful if there were an authority that could pull you over to ask “Do you know how stupid you were going just now?”
brain: bored
me: lots of stuff to do
brain: tired
me: resting is also good
brain: stressed
me: alright man
Therapist: tell me your dreams
Me: cheese
Therapist: no your weird dreams
Me: still cheese
Therapist: ok, your sexy dreams
Me: kinky cheese?
Me: My weight is up. I really hate winter.
Him: Don’t be discouraged. You’ll bounce back in spring once you shave your legs.
[skydiving]
cute instructor: open your chute!
me: lol make me