I started carrying a knife after an attempted mugging a few years ago.
Since then, my mugging attempts have been a lot more successful.
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why does my dog sprint after he poops like he’s fleeing the scene of a crime
I apologize for pinching your lips closed when you started telling me about your kids
succession fans be like “the next episode is gonna be CRAZY” and the episode in question is “sign this piece of paper” “no”
What’s the most baby state? Washington because WA
I’m just saying, my wife is lucky to have found a weirdo that makes her laugh, she could have met a different weirdo, like a serial killer.
It seems I need to also make a list of all the cities I’m not going to, because every time I post my tour schedule, people ask about the cities NOT on the list.
Stages of helping your kids with a project:
1. Ok first off, when is it due?
2. Wait, WHAT??
WIFE: Your heavy drinking is making you delusional
ME: *turns to friend* Do you think that’s true?
WOLVERINE: Nah, don’t listen to her
Living well is the best revenge. The second best revenge is carefully removing plants from someone’s garden & replacing their lawn gnomes with slightly larger lawn gnomes so they appear to be growing in size from eating the plants.
My inexpensive home security system…
Interviewer: what would you say has been your crowning achievement?
Me: you mean besides making it through the birth canal?
Interviewer: haha good one. How about after that?
Me: Yeah no, that’s about it
They really taught us calculus and then left us to fend for ourselves when it comes to taxes and putting the duvet cover back on
AT&T had a nationwide outage, giving kids an authentic 1900s experience.
911: what is your emergency?
Me: HE READ BUT DIDN’T REPLY
I’m not saying it would kill me to work out, I’m just saying my wife bought me a gym membership and doubled my life insurance…
i don’t “get” knights. i’m not calling some guy sir just because an old lady that eats beans for breakfast tapped him with a sword
90% of parenting is asking, “Did you _?” when you know damned well that they didn’t.
ME: *slides envelope across the table
COP: *opening it* This is half a ticket to an MC Hammer concert from 1990
ME: You’ll get the other half when I’m out of here
Cell Phone Manufacturers: We’re gonna release a brand new more advanced model.
Apple: We’re gonna release this shit in White. WHITE.
I wouldn’t call it ‘passive aggressive’, but I do send the glitter Christmas cards to the people who annoy me.
[Advert for hiking]
Do you hate walking? Would you like to hate it even more?
“The ship is sinking!”
Me (calmly): bring me noodles, tomatoes, and cheese
“You can save us with that?”
Me (making one last lasagna): what
I asked my 6yo “aren’t you gonna help me plant flowers” and she said “oh mommy I would love to do that except that I don’t want to”
AI could never write that episode of Bones where the serial killer imprinted malware onto the victim’s bones, so when they got scanned in the lab the computers got a virus and set themselves on fire
Pretty sure they warned us about this on the Book of Revelations.
St Patrick drove all the snakes out of Ireland, which was fantastic until they decided to become politicians
Kids: Mom, what happened to our college fund?
Me: Avocados.
Dance like you haven’t fallen off that pole twice already.
I’m thinking about redesigning my house with a brand new family.
[Thor Love and Thunder]
me: *buying tickets for me and 3 friends* FOUR FOR THOR 4 at 4:44 POR FAVOR SEÑOR
cinema guy: please stop doing this