me: helo darkness my old friend
darkness, who just turned 30 and is totaly self-conscious about his age: cmon man im not old
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I’ve been reading about a scientist who’s working to increase the size of male deer.
He’s hoping to make big bucks.
For Halloween I’m putting on a fishnet body stocking and going as a bag of onions.
Back seat drivers are all the same..
“Why we going into the woods?” “Let me out”
Telling your child their sibling is still asleep a very effective way to get them to practice their instrument.
Establish dominance by sitting close to the buffet and growling every time someone walks up to get food.
when u get caugt lying on ur resume but u still try to convince the interviewer that ur qualified for the job
PSA: if it’s warmer than 71 degrees outside and we go to a restaurant, NO. we do not want a table outside. i will literally unfriend you in real life.
Tried a Peloton. Just like most other things I eat it left me unfilled, underwhelmed, gave me heartburn. Two out of five stars, tops. There are better snacks out there.
As I basted the turkey, I swear I heard it say “just not in my hair”
Her: You need to multitask better
Me: I’m learning to kill 2 birds with 1 stone
Her: That’s goo-
Me [surrounded by dead birds]: And I refuse to work on anything else
My multivitamin is the same size as an earplug. Guess how I accidentally know that?
me: I heard this cemetery was haunted
caretaker: I’ve worked here 173 years and haven’t seen anything weird
Me: oh wow, do I detect just a hint a peppermint?
Cellmate: *stabbing me in the neck with a Candy Cane shiv* what is wrong with you?!
‘What do we want?’, ‘A really fast car to drive past!’, ‘When do we want it?’, ‘Nnneyowwwww’
When someone blows a kiss at me I karate chop it right in half.
i transcended “cat lady” 10 cats ago, i’m now “cat mother goddess” in some select circles. so worship meow!
I like how your profile picture is you at your wedding, so are you like a professional bride
My toddler found a roll of quarters and is throwing money everywhere. Is she Scrooge Mcduck? Am I rich?
If the police ask, I was in my house from 2009 to 2013.
Isn’t
Films and television have led me to believe that masquerade balls have a higher mortality rate than most wars.
An 8 year old just asked me why people in electric cars don’t get electrocuted when it rains and now we’re checking Google
if a bear charges at you, don’t play dead. play nintendo, maybe the bear will join you and you’ll become best friends
Guys…. Women aren’t hard….. And if they are… They aren’t Women.
Good morning to everyone, especially those who say “oh ffs, what now?” Every time their news notification on their phone goes off
Big day! I’ve decided to forgive the woman who told me I looked tired at a party three years ago.
*running from the cops at night* DAMN THESE LIGHT-UP SHOES.
Do you have to go to the bathroom?
No
You sure?
Yes
How about now?
No
Now?
No
[movie begins]
Daddy?
FOR CRYING OUT LOUD
It turns out the line is longer for the home office bathroom.
HR: No. 1 asset u would bring to Verizon customer support?
Applicant: Integrity
HR: Seriously?
A: No.
HR: Hired!