Positive I heard an audible gasp from my car as I drove past the wine store
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You’re having a big wedding? Cool. I’m having a Big Mac
Me to a friend: *complains for ten straight minutes without taking in a breath* but I really can’t complain
What’s the most ridiculous rule you’ve seen a HOA enforce? Mine was the neighbour who got told off for growing the wrong kind of lavender
He held up my pants and said “Are you sure these are yours? They look small. You can fit in these??”
Judge: Not guilty. You’re free to go.
I refuse to stay at a Holiday Inn until they publicly specify what holiday they are referring to.
Cop: You swerved into the other lane…do you know how fast you were driving?
Me: did I look like I was paying attention?
Yesterday 4 said Stanley the snail on our outside wall was his best friend. Sadly Stanley fell off the wall overnight & showed no signs of life. I was worried how 4 would cope but turns out he’s already best friends with Mary the moth on our kitchen window. 4yos are fickle.
I’m at my most Ninja Turtle when I remove a manhole cover & jump into the sewers to avoid making eye contact with someone I know in public.
doctor: god you’re unhealthy
me: we haven’t started the check-up
doctor: ya i just found your insta
Mom? I think I know my Halloween costume for this year.
-My daughter’s favorite phrase from November through approximately late September
Me: Forgive me father for I have sinned. I’m here to cleanse my conscience.
Bartender: So…the usual?
SON: Daddy, how come our snowman hasn’t melted, like everyone else’s?
ME: Because it’s made from leftover mashed potato son.
2014: maybe 2015 will be better
2015: maybe 2016 will be better
2016: omg, wtf is happening?
2017: is this a bad dream?
2018: no seriously, WTF?!
2019: AN ASTEROID WOULD BE NICE
HR: We’ve noticed a substantial amount of office supplies missing recently.
Me *wearing a 3-piece suit made of Post-It notes*: That’s odd
Apparently it’s 7 years today since I discovered that adding googly eyes to the tap on a wine box makes it look like Shaun the Sheep.
Wife: HOW IS IT ONLY WEDNESDAY?!
Me: It’s Tuesday.
Wife: HOW IS IT ONLY TUESDAY?!
[getting murdered]
me: my computer has a virus, so u could say
[murdering pauses]
me: i’ve been hacked twice today lol
[murdering intensifies]
“I smell carrots. Do you smell carrots? ’cause I smell carrots…”
~ Snowmen.
Why is it called a phobia-induced breakdown and not tears for fears?
Croatia-France sounds like a 19th century war to decide which cousin the crown prince is forced to marry.
Spreading a sheet of creamy peanut butter onto a dinner plate & then eating it with a knife & fork.
[Spider-Man shows up at my house]
*I carefully scoop him up on a piece of paper and release him outside my door*
[first day after lying on my job application]
me: can we pull over at a mcdonalds or something
co-pilot: what
Me *swallowing 4th wet t-shirt* this contest is hard
marvel comics have peaked
Nothing prepares you for the love you have for your children, or for your own ability to say I don’t know a million times a day without snapping their adorable little necks.
Current status: I just turned on the garbage disposal so the cats wouldn’t hear me getting the cheese out of the fridge.
[1st date]
Me: “So, what do you do?”
Her: “I’m a Herpetologist.”
Me: “Great! [pulls pants down] How bad is this?”
“I see you’ve got one drop of pee left in you. It would be a shame if something were to… show everyone.”
– Khaki pants
*Someone messages me*
I hope your well
And I’m like, you hope my well what?
You hope my well is fine?
You hope my well is providing me with clean water?HOW DO YOU KNOW I HAVE A WELL, WHAT DO YOU HOPE FOR IT & WHY CAN’T YOU FINISH YOUR SENTENCE?