Be the change!!
*loosely falls to the floor*
*quarter spins*
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All I’m saying is that just once it’d be nice for the cat to be the one pointing the laser for me to chase.
If the covid vaccine is implanting trackers in us then that just means when I get lost in an ikea then they can send in a rescue team
An eye exam where the optometrist makes you read a menu under dim lights.
look. life is bad. evryones sad. we’re all gona die. but i alredy bought this inflatable boumcy castle so r u gona take ur shoes off or wat
Awake in the streets,
Asleep in the sheets.Did I do that right? I don’t get it.
“I just wanted to create something that makes a horrible ripping sound. The adhesive aspect was just an accident.”
– inventor of velcro
Don’t tell me how to live my life, box.
When I’m empty-handed my dog doesn’t know what the word ‘sit’ means, but if I have a treat she can perform neurosurgery.
Yesterday, I accidentally swallowed some food coloring.
The doctor says I’m okay, but I feel like I’ve dyed a little inside.
Law enforcement’s cracking down on texting while driving, but there’s no law against standing up and playing saxophone through your sunroof.
God: letting you name each other’s breeds was brilliant on my part.
Cat: for the dogs I got Great Dane, Saint Bernard, and Golden Retriever : )
God: nice! your turn Dog!
Dog: oh.
Cat: I’m so excited!
Dog: alleycat.
Cat:
Dog: look I didn’t know we were being serious.
I’ve just used glitter spray paint in a confined space, and now I’m on another planet busting disco moves with an intoxicated pixie.
Do NOT play Yahtzee with squirrels.
Welcome to our chain hotel, breakfast is served from three in the morning until two minutes after you first start feeling hungry
If money can’t buy happiness what do you pay a hitman with?
It’s hard to take my lawyer seriously when his Peppa Pig mask is upside down
I shot my first Turkey today. Scared the shit out of everyone in the frozen food section, it was awesome!
I can tell she’s pissed, the floors look amazing.
[at restaurant]
me, in my head: i want the pasta. i want the pasta. i want the pasta.
waiter: what can i get you?
me: *scrambling to open menu* uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh i’ll have the uhhhhhhhhhh
Just when you’ve built some confidence that you’re a smarter than average human, universe sends you captcha.
hey don’t shoot me, i’m just the messenger! oh the letter says to shoot me? okay th-
I don’t understand why everyone is so passionate about sports; it’s all just bullsh – HEY! YOU! NO! DARTH VADER DOES NOT HAVE A GREEN SABER!
Death: this is the afterlife
Me: ugh there’s more?
“There will be blood” is my favourite movie about hoping you get your period after the condom broke.
Him: Want to play Trivial Pursuit?
Me: Sure. But I guarantee you’ll win. I’m not that smart.
Him: Want to play strip Trivial Pursuit?
My grandfather tried to warn them about the Titanic. He screamed and shouted about the iceberg and how the ship was going to sink, but all they did was throw him out of the theater.
Friend: Pics or it didn’t happen
Picasso: Here
Friend: Ok, that doesn’t actually clear anything up
[changes out of pajama pants with pockets to pajama pants without pockets]
Bedtime.
If Reese’s eggs are buy one get one free, there are 0 calories associated with the free one. Live free my friends.
I was really into the idea of Salsa dancing, until I learned there are no chips. Or salsa.