Speak when you are angry and you will make the best speech you will ever regret. – Ambrose Bierce
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me: man technology is scary af
black mirror: here are some more scary technological things you haven’t even thought of yet
Genie: You have 3 wishes.
Me: I’ve seen this before. Whatever I wish for will come back and bite me in some way.
Genie: I promise that won’t happen. I’m so sure it won’t I’ll give you infinite wishes if it does.
Me: Okay. I wish for a boomerang with teeth.
Genie: You sonofa-
“Last Christmas” is a strange song. It’s been 12 months and we’re just now addressing this situation?
Felt sad that rabbits ate all my marigolds.
Then felt glad that I don’t have to water them anymore.
Suburban life is a roller coaster.
Me: Got any 7s?
Wife: Go fish
Me: *returns from Bering Strait a changed man* I watched the sea take my best friend to his grave. Got any 3s?
One million people have DM’d me asking me to stop lying about the number of people who DM me.
Pigeon open mic night.
Ok whatever idiot taught my kids that they’re beautiful just the way they are, can you tell them they still need to bathe.
if i was a character in a horror movie and something supernatural was happening i wouldn’t be scared because that stuff isn’t real
WIFE: Why do you waste money on useless things?
ME: [scraping the S and H off the side of my new School Bus] Maybe useless to you Sharon
“Ok, I know this is creepy af but check this out..”
-first taxidermist
*puts dreamcatcher above bed*
“Sure hope this works”
*wakes up in the middle of the night*
*Ryan Gosling is stuck in dreamcatcher*
“YES”
When someone ends a sentence with “af” they were hastily trying to type “A FALCON DESCENDS UPON ME” but could not make it in time.
I don’t trust anyone who bikes to work for reasons other than a DUI
My bathroom scales need a new home. They weigh you 30 pounds over, and have slight damage from being thrown out a window, but aside from that, they’re fine.
Luigi: You got your own land, world & galaxy. Can I have Mario Mansion?
Mario: ok fine [under breath] gonna put a bunch of ghosts in it tho
The problem with teaching a man to fish is that eventually somebody will microwave that fish in the work break room.
First date tip: let a photo of a dog fall out of your wallet. When she asks “is that your puppy?” say “No. That’s my dad.” Then storm off.
My Christmas letter this year includes a bonus DVD of my colonoscopy.
*undercover cop knocks* Hi fill out this survey to win a free IPad!
1. name
2. address
3. email
4. where are drugs
*mustache falls off*
confuse your coworkers today by telling them you’re going to the restroom to do a “number 3”
Santa- “ho ho ho, Mer-“
Me- “tf did you just call me?”
Accepting water from a salesperson is a sign of weakness. *faints from dehydration*
The last time I was 100% sure about a decision was in 3rd grade, and that box of 64 crayons with the built in sharpener didn’t disappoint.
i spent way too long on this
The single most HARDEST thing about being an immigrant in the US is knowing that regardless of my sacrifices, my beliefs or the beauty in my soul, I, too, may one day be allergic to gluten
student: now what?
driver’s ed teacher: make a u turn
stndent: ok
*gets out of bed*
*steps on something*
me: Ugh
*turns light on*
wife: What is it?
me: The cat caught another smart car
I’m seriously considering adoption who wants me.
Me: I got a new car!
Him: What kind of mileage does it get? What’s the horsepower? How long is the powertrain warranty?
Me: It’s red.