Based Erika
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I try to live my life everyday as if it were my last. And who wants to do laundry on their last day? Not me…
Hurt my hand so now I tweet exclusively with one of those text to speech things comma I think it’s going well full stop send tweet no don’t type that send tweet I said send tweet are you shouting at your phone nobody asked you rebecca wait no don’t send that
Really mean guy at the golf course called me a 4 and then hit me with his golf ball 🙁
Me: I need to go to the doctor but my car won’t start.
Mechanic: Did you try jumping it?
Me: Of course, how did you think I broke my legs?
Just saw a guy sitting with a Blackberry and a newspaper. I think he was waiting for a horse.
Johnny Depp was the ultimate bad boy until he started looking like my great aunt.
The urge to throw a coconut at someone.
I peeled off the sticker that said “Don’t consume alcohol while on medication.”
I don’t need that kind of negativity in my life.
[taking a knee]
Surgeon: Stop that woman!
I’m writing code, not making diamonds. Continuing to apply more and more pressure will not produce a better outcome.
My Sister: My baby doesn’t sleep! The books say newborns sleep 16 hours a day!
Me: Unfortunately, some babies don’t read those books.
Was complaining to my mom about my daughter’s attitude and she told me I should’ve named her payback.
You can pretend you’re a ghost at pottery barn, there’s no laws against that
When a guy jokes about pms, you need to laugh along to show you’re a cool chick, but hold the laugh too long- so he gets scared.
Therapist: What can you do when your husband rubs you the wrong way?
M: ask him to use his other hand
Therapist: Let me rephrase…
We save women and children first because the dads have to make sure all the lights are off and the thermostat is set appropriately.
I just found out Canada isn’t real
Turns out it was all mapleleaf
Busting out of a grave like a zombie but I just have to pee real bad.
*An elf cop pulls Frodo riding an ent over*
Elf Cop: Where ya going?
Frodo: To throw a ring into a volcano!
EC: Step out of the treehicle
girl on bumble: hey 🙂 ur cute but I noticed you didn’t include your height
me: yeah no need to add too much info!
girl: ok but how tall are you?
me: *struggling to type as I climb into my high chair* i don’t see why this is important
not sure how I feel about the depiction of albert einstein in oppenheimer. he’s not even sticking out his tongue
her: this is the worst date EVER
me: ugh. i told you not to eat the pit
I showered and left the house. The least you could do is fall madly in love with me
You guys know monogamy is NOT a type of wood, right?!?
The Pillsbury Doughboy and Little Debbie walk into a bar.
Bartender: I see bread people.
*kid finds Easter Basket
Noodles, sauce, cheese, meat, what’s going on dad?
“What else you get?!”
A lasagna recipe..
“Great make dinner”
It’s reached a point where my local Krispy Kreme sends first responders to my house if I go more than two days without buying donuts.
Fell on the stairs and I’m happy to report that my dog immediately came to rescue… the empty can of cat food in my hand.
Anna: If you don’t wanna build a snowman I feel bad for you, son.
Elsa: I got 99 problems but the cold ain’t one.
Easy there, Jedi. Convincing me to add wings to my pizza order isn’t a mind trick.