Sidebar:
If a whack job is an artist, does that make them a whackadoodle?
Yes.
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Having a kitten around is great, because I was definitely missing being randomly assaulted by five pounds of panicky barbed wire as silent as a shadow in my life.
9: Why are you hitting that spider?
wife: I don’t like spiders
me: Ooooh *grabs newspaper*
mother-in-law [leaving] I don’t have to take this
friend: hey man don’t drink too much you know how you get
me: what do you mean
[2 hard lemonades later]
me: we should drive to my boss’ house and steal all his grass. all of it
Me: this meeting could’ve been an email.
Also me: (gets an email) Goddammit.
Marrying a person isn’t the only way to get someone to take your name, there’s also identity theft #MondayMotivation
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PhewThe Chosen Phew
‘Drinking water successfully’ is out
‘Drinking water and letting it fall out the side of your mouth somehow and then down your chin and also to your shirt and oh god you’re sitting and the pants got hit too’ is in
#NeverForget
me: I invited colin for dinner tomorrow
her: is that the guy that always gets the day wrong?
*knock at the door*
me: yes
Me: *trying to get comfortable on your wicker chair* I wonder if this is what sitting on shredded wheat feels like.
Not sure why iPhoto doesn’t have a “that’s my ex, please stop” button
A lot of people say “we need to” when they mean “you need to”. We need to stop that.
[couple tossing baby back and forth]
[music stops]
judge: custody granted
dad: [holding baby] AW DAMMIT
I just did yoga. No wait, yogurt.
To tell the difference between an African and an Indian elephant, you look at its ears, then lift one up and shout “WHERE ARE YOU FROM M8?”
*unfurls blueprint*
Ok here’s how I’m gonna make tonight about me.
You know what a cubicle basically says? It says ‘We don’t think you’re smart enough for an office,but we don’t want you to look at anybody.’
Boss set out a bowl of hard candy in the break room, so I guess we had our Christmas party today.
I just stabbed my salad 23 times with my fork & now it’s a Caesar Salad.
Me: NOT THIS TIME
Kids: *already running away with my pants*
Salesperson: Hi ma’am can I help you?
Me: Yes, I am looking for a kitchen table.
Salesperson: Ok, but why are there 4 baskets of laundry behind you?
Me: I have to make sure my laundry fits on it before I buy the table. Duh.
My 6yo set a timer so that I could have a rest after eating. When the alarm went off it was time for me to go play with him.
He set the timer for 11 seconds. Plenty of time for a rest.
*filling out preschool form*
1st child: She knows all of the letters and numbers.
2nd child: He knows all of the colors.
3rd child: She knows all of the swear words.
This time of year, I get sick of everyone writing an “X” instead of “Christ”. I think it’s time we all put the Christ back in Christ-box 360
First person ever to clap: *starts smacking hands together*
People: Look at this idiot…we should do it too
Bruce Willis and the pug are lying on hospital beds, hand in paw. The pug’s kidneys are failing and despite science & logic,Bruce is a match
Note to self:
Used VHS tapes do not make good emergency gifts, always go with stuff from the freezer.
Walked in for bread, walked out with 6 bottles of wine. Now we’re having communion for dinner.
Someone once told me “If you love something, set it free”. I told them not to mind about those noises coming from the basement.
Hell, YES, I work out. Somebody has to support the ibuprofen industry.