*watching movie with demon killer clown*
Me to husband: Ridiculous, so unbelievable! Did you see the size of that kid’s bedroom
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[first day as a detective]
cop: there were no footprints at the crime scene
me: *under breath* birds
[at the mall]
LITTLE KID: i’m lost
ME: you’re at the mall
I only attract psychopaths. If you’ve ever had a crush on me, find a therapist.
Me: got the Infinity Gauntlet from Thanos
Iron Man: snap and bring everyone back
Me: [turning things into puppies] hold on
Ape together strong
HER: you got some in my hair
ME: sorry
HER: and in my eye
ME: my bad
HER: are you sure you’ve painted before
I saw the most beautiful woman at the store today so of course I did the sensible thing and imagined what our whole life would be like if we fell in love and then I never spoke to her.
[playground]
Woman: which one is yours?
My wife: over there [points to team of firefighters cutting me from a tire swing]
When someone tailgates me I let them know I’m angry and watching them, by putting the rear wipers on full speed
When I see a parked car with the stick figure family on it, I move the husband over and put my studly stick figure next to the wife.
According to legend, if you see a spider on Halloween, it’s actually the spirit of a loved one watching over you. So I guess if you see a ghost on Halloween, it’s actually a spider. Confusing but good information to have on hand.
I identify as a McDonald’s ice-cream machine because I go down when you really want me.
Every time I wear a suit I hear the same five words. “Will the defendants please rise”
Awesome hanging with yall just real quick can you guys not tag me in the pictures cause a few years ago I accidentally faked my own death
Do mermaids clean the sea or how does that work?
*glamorously folds laundry
*seductively wipes off countertops
*slowly bends over to pick up toys
*sexily trips over the cat…
As my kid gets older he goes to bed later, which means he hangs out longer, which means *I* have to stay up later to get my alone time, which means by the time he’s 13, I’ll be going to bed at sunrise.
[daughter going on a date]
ME: I want her back at 9
DAUGHTER: dad, I’m 22
ME: you were cuter at 9
my wife slo-mo diving across the living room to knock the remote out of my hand as i try to watch a sci-fi movie under her profile
Someday, maybe a year or a decade from now, we’ll look back on this day and think, “Crap I completely forgot to pick up my kid from daycare.”
“I don’t watch tv” ok but then what do you do with it
Superhero Origins
Spider-Man: bit by radioactive spider
Iron Man: bit by radioactive iron
Hawkeye: bit by radioactive hawk right in the eye
… and for my next trick, I will appear to know what I’m doing.
Damn girl are you a bra because ur very supportive but I can’t figure out how to get you off
Watching TV
Detective: … and the horribly mangled remains were found on October 25th…
Me: Woo! They said my birthday!
Who called it Star Trek III – The Search For Spock and not Finding Nemoy?
What is it about a freshly scrubbed toilet that activates my bowels!?
forgot to decorate for halloween so just gave my 7yo a pomegranate to eat and voilà! murder scene
“Hey”, with the intention of angrily removing the tomato from my cheeseburger and slapping you in the face with it.
Zen master: Do you possess the Buddha nature?
Me: Well, I’ve spent 49 days under a tree. But that was just laziness.