I work out by ordering a small drink at Burger King, then get up 100 times to refill it.
You Might Also Like
Me: don’t do it
Brain: GONNA DO IT
Me: I’m driving
Brain: HERE IT COMES
Me: there’s oncoming traffic
Brain: REALLY WELLING UP NOW
Me: you’re going to kill us both
Brain: DO THE WEIRD FACE FIRST
Me: *pre sneeze face*
Brain: THIS AMUSES ME
Forever 21… pounds overweight
Hi..You’ve reached my voicemail. I could come to the phone right now but I saw your name on caller ID so leave a message..or not.
Can I have your parents’ phone number? I really need to inquire how you came to be 45 and don’t know that the “$” goes BEFORE the numbers.
[first day as a paramedic]
How much of their blood are we allowed to drink?
The best way to see if someone is telling the truth is to tie them to a chair and start up the ol chainsaw.
Xylophonist Shredding It
Me: Walks in with an exact copy of my husband.
Him: I said cologne.
[priest sees me approaching him again] look man we can’t make you better at fortnite
Of course my days are numbered..
That’s how calendars work.
Me: Can I be frank?
Him: This is 2022, you can be whoever you want to be.
Me: Get out.
“What attracted you to our company?”
Well, I heard you pay money in exchange for work
If God had a sense of humor herpes would glow in the dark.
Women are better than cake. You can have a woman and eat her too.
God: I made spring time so that all could witness nature’s rebirth!
Satan: I make people scroll down to find their birth year.
If you encounter a bear in the wilderness, sing a Coldplay song. You’ll die, but the bear will suffer too.
My tinder profile says I love dogs but then on dates I elaborate that it is hot dogs and corn dogs
cellmate: what are you in here for
me: [snuggling] my bunk is cold
The voices are having a huge argument tonight, I’m just hoping to fall asleep before the rational one drags me into it.
I didn’t think I was high until I realized I was watching bowling
Where there’s a will, there’s a greedy bastard hoping you die.
Doctor: does mental illness run in your family?
Me: I do have an aunt that’s a morning person.
“Alex is visiting later tonight.”
Alex from work or Alex the astronaut with amazing hearing?
[From the moon] It’s not me, Thelma. Hi Bob.
My 8 year old daughter can already read at a 5th grade level and ignore me at a 12th grade level.
Surprise your buddy by putting on clown makeup and dying in his attic.
friend: I have a theory that the center of the Earth will cool and become solid
me: wow, that’s hardcore
Social media’s ruined everything. If I saw a dead body on my walk home my first thought would be to take a pic and caption it “Mood”
I just found a quarter in the vending machine, if anyone is looking for a sugar mama.
4: I wanna watch Sing 2!
hubs: you’ve watched that a thousand times.
4: not today.
I went to a birthday party and overheard a couple apologizing for leaving early because their infant could only handle people and noise for a limited amount of time and honestly I’ve never related to anyone more than that baby