Person drinking Smart Water: It’s like I’m being smart about what I put in my body.
Me, mouth full of Smartees: We’re so much alike.
You Might Also Like
I think the least the government could do right now is cancel calories, do they even understand how much cheese is needed daily to eat one’s feelings
Sorry I commented on that video of your kid taking his first steps with “aw look you taught it how to walk on its hind legs!”
C’mon, I can’t be the only one that does kegels to pass the time in meetings
ME: So listen, if we pay a little extra, can we have the baby in color, instead of black-and-white?
ULTRASOUND TECHNICIAN: Sir, I’m gonna explain this one more time…
Technically, setting someone on fire is burning calories.
*mother squirrel pulls her child away from the curb just as he’s about to cross the street* junior no! wait for a car to come
My mechanic said there were mice in my engine, and boy, if I thought I didn’t understand how cars worked before…
Friend: My husband sets his alarm 30 minutes early so we can cuddle in the morning.
Me: My husband lets me sleep because he values his life.
Instructions for frozen chicken pot pie:
1. Preheat oven to 400
2. Cook on baking sheet for 16 days
3. Let stand 5 minutes before serving
BOSS: You’re late again today
ME {still using the Mayan calendar}: We’re lucky to even be here you know
[May 2020]
Top 5 of the wealthiest ppl in the World thanks to Covid- 19.
5.
4.
3.
2.
1. Divorce lawyers
Husband: Don’t the kids have swimming tonight at 6?
Me: It’s at 7.
H: Oh, I was close.
Me: Yeah, the season ended 3 weeks ago.
I hate it when they leave before I can make it awkward.
“I hope they bought enough beer so they won’t notice how much I’m drinking”
-My prayer as I pull into my parents driveway
dentist: lay on the chair please
me: ok
dentist: face up
People I live with are hiding my shit. The two most effective hiding places to date:
1) out in the open
2) where I last left it
“but it will confuse children” is the dumbest talking point. everything confuses children, they’re idiots. do you explain other shit in the world or you just tell them giraffes are strange dogs
Talking to my sleepy 9 year old and as a joke offered her some of my coffee. She said, “I can’t drink coffee, I’m not an old person yet,” and now I hate everything.
I hate it when some random company refers to me as their “customer.”
I’m like, look we had one night of drunken shopping, we are NOT in a relationship
I just did 5 crunches trying to get out of my lazy boy. When is it my turn to play aquaman
[shows up late for first day of new job]
*blames it on rush hour*
[shows up late for second day of new job]
*blames it on rush hour 2*
I’m now starting to think CNN took the plane.
Me: You haven’t fought with your sister in two whole days.
10yo: I know. We should send her to camp more often.
Him: “Describe what you’re wearing right now”
Me: (in yoga pants I didn’t do yoga in, T-shirt I’ve had on for days w/various food stains, fuzzy socks bc I’m freezing, hair in bun)
“Just out of the shower so tank, panties and no bra”
Him: “So hot”
Me: *resumes eating ice cream
me: one big skeleton please
clerk: ma’am this is a McDonald’s
me: oh sorry. One big McSkeleton please
don’t often share recipes, but here’s my yummy kale soup:
1 buy kale
2 fill a sock with marbles
3 hit yourself in the face until unconscious
me: can i please have some more?
bank teller: haha you’re gonna get me in trouble but ok ONE more fifty
My god, horses chased me for 5 minutes.
Most terrifying carousel ride ever.
My kid told me the book we were reading was fiction, and the reason he knows that is because dragons don’t eat tacos, they eat meat
Done with work today.
The work day isn’t over, I’m just done with it