“I like green peppers, but they don’t like me anymore haha.”
They never liked you. They don’t have feelings because they’re food, Barbara.
You Might Also Like
Alright! Everyone that got a DM containing a map to my treehouse, meet there in 15 mins. Those who didn’t, maybe consider being nicer to me.
If I answer my phone and you ask for me by my full name, there’s a 100% chance we’re about to be disconnected.
The first thing I’m going to do when my kids move into homes of their own is machine gun fire toothpaste spit all over the faucet and mirror in the bathroom.
Google search history:
•Gloves keep growing on tree?
•How do I get hand in tight gloves?
•Can gloves piss/bite?
•What is a squirrel?
The local kid haircut place (the kind where you sit in cars and planes) closed unexpectedly for a month and all the little kids are wandering around town looking like Tom Hanks in Castaway right before he built that raft
Get the body you always wanted this summer. Go grave-robbing.
Your child learning to say mommy is when your life begins and ends
I got banged so hard today I’m still walking funny.
Sure it was my head vs the door of my vehicle but I’m still counting it.
I think my brother and I just solved The Duh Vinci Code
when i get married im gonna send invitations to my enemies that have minus ones on them so they’ll know about the wedding but won’t be allowed to go
Hot tip: If you’re going to wipe your hands on your clothes, wipe them on the INSIDE of your pants, where stains don’t matter. Anyway, officer, that’s why my hands were down my pants while eating these delicious ribs.
honestly the best covid defense mechanism is just to smell really terrible when you leave the house. put on a shirt you get really sweaty in during a manic episode, the pheremone stench will give you a wide berth at the post office
so imagine going to the store.. buying rolls of plastic.. tape.. etc.. and after the cashier is done.. “anything else?” and say “oh sorry.. forgot this” and pull out dexter.. the complete series out of the cart…. when they ask how you’re paying “uhhh we’re going with cash”
thinking about how the Starbucks mermaid is slowly, but surely, getting closer, and we cannot stop her
Every time I see a jogger that looks like they’re just about to pass out from running I always think, “Do they know they don’t need to be jogging?”
If someone tells me “don’t be surprised if we find a body” I’m going to be many other emotions first.
Me: Birds are SO SMART, they fly in formation to conserve energy.
Birds: Look at this idiot, shit on him.
A dating app to meet other people with low IQ called OK Stupid
[at a restaurant]
me: i think i misread your tinder bio
squirtle: squirtle.
Assert your dominance by crossing out your coworkers name on their food and put your own.
Then eat it in front of them.
6-year-old: I’m not cleaning my room.
Me: I don’t like your tone.
6: What does “tone” mean?
Me: I don’t like your voice.
6: *weird Kermit the Frog voice* I’m not cleaning my room.
The only time my kids and I actually agree on anything is when they try to roast me and I reply YO MAMA by accident.
*throws goods on conveyor belt*
Cashier: is that all sir?
Me:”Nope. You got change for a trophy?”
“Please stop that.” -person who witnessed first guy beatboxing
2015: This is our son, Aiden.
2016: This is our son, Lemonaiden.
them: With great power comes great responsibility
me: *shuts off electricity*
Don’t touch that.
Felt like crap, so I drank an energy drink. Now I’m talking really fast and cleaning things I didn’t even know I owned.
honestly it just makes me fat free italian when u tell me salad dressings aren’t a good way to describe emotions
Me: [first day at work] I’ve finally found my dream job.
Me: [4 days later] I just want to go home, nobody likes me and I think the printer is haunted.