[Playing House]
Child: You can be the kid and I’ll be Dad.
Me: Bills are due, dinner needs cooked, and your boss needs that presentation done by tomorrow.
Child: …
Me: What?
Child: That doesn’t sound very fun.
Me: Can’t hear you; busy playing Minecraft.
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If I were a doctor, I’d invent a bacon-ometer to tell patients how much more bacon they needed to consume to be healthy and, frankly, sexy.
For fun I like to text all the men in my phone, “she has your eyes, can’t wait for you to meet her” and then I sit back and wait.
” Wife: there is a man at the door with a mustache.
Husband: tell him i’ve already got one. “
Everyone always wants to date the hot crazy chick…..Till you’re standing outside watching your house burn.
Friend: wyd
Me: *waxing my bits*
texts – Arts and crafts, you?
mom: you’re grounded for today
me: i can’t wait until i’m an adult and no one can do that to me
[10 years later]
amazon: your package will arrive between 8am and 6pm
Damn boy! What’s your zodiac sign? Bc I think we should make that Sagittariuu into SagittariUS
Oh you’re a Leo? Le OH ..where are you going?
ah yes writing, that thing i do where i open a word document and then get up and start cleaning my entire house
2:10 – perfect popcorn
2:13 – firefighters on scene
When Squidward lost his job and had to stay with Spongebob and he tried to tell Spongebob the TV didn’t work n Spongebob said THAT’S TWO THINGS THAT DON’T WORK 😭😭😭😭
*brings elephant to knife fight
*nobody talks about it
Under Bush we had 3 Shrek movies.
Under Obama we had 1.
Can we really trust a president whose #1 goal was to bring down the Shrek franchise?
Guys are at their mathematical best when a girl says she is pregnant.
Take this time to do something creative!
– learn to paint
– play some songs
– write that book
– no wait your book is too similar to the book I’m trying to write
– stop you’re a faster writer than me!
– universal is already inquiring about movie righys?!?
– it’s a trilogy?!?!?!
[At the car dealership]
Me: See, this has everything I want, right here
Salesman: Sir, our soda machine is not for sale
Therapist: Would you use alcohol, food and sex as a means of feeling happy?
Me: Yes, thanks.
OMG, I can’t believe all the people who are out despite the stay at home orders.
…Says the person who’s out despite the stay at home orders.
ask your insurance company if you’re healthy enough to see a doctor
Watch James Cameron’s spectacular vision to take 3 hours to tell a storyline that could’ve been an e-mail
…again.
(Now in theaters)
Holy shit, I just saw my ex sister in-law get punched in the face eleven times with my fist!
Just spent 45 minutes on the treadmill – tomorrow I think I’ll actually turn it on!
pirate: walk the plank
me: ok but i don’t have a leash lol
pirate: *drops sword* dad?
*goes to grocery store*
*puts picture of my missing keys on all the milk cartons*
My sensitive skin moisturizer is sulking again
Adam: Eve, you read the terms and conditions before using that Apple product right?
Eve: Uh yeah, totally
The absolute CHAOS of this onesie my mom sent us for the baby…
The worst thing just happened. I won’t recover. I just reached into a box of free samples outside a chicken restaurant. Only it wasn’t free samples. It was a man. Holding a box of chicken. His chicken. I tried to steal this man’s chicken.
Please pray for my friends’ 4-year-old. They found out today 7 minutes of his life wasn’t photographed or videotaped and put on Facebook.
Them: what’s an expensive hobby of yours?
Me: living
“Dad, lil bro pooped on the floor!”
Me: Ok, just like we practiced. I’ll hide in garage, you go tell Mommy. This convo never happened! GO!