Honk if you love Jesus. Text while driving if you’d like to meet Him.
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My daughters built this elaborate house setup for their dolls, so I went over and threw a bunch of trash in each room to make it more realistic.
Sometimes I get annoyed at how unreasonable my 7 year old is but then I remember that at his age my plan was to make a million dollars off “my invention” which was a bunch of fishtanks arranged in a group and connected by tubes so the fish could move around like gerbils.
Her: Your life just doesn’t seem to have a direction.
Me: “Down” is a direction, Brenda.
There’s a reason we say cheese and not salad when we have to smile for a photo.
Date: Cat-callers disgust me.
Me: [hastily returning phone to pocket] Oh haha yeah me too.
My cat: *at home by the phone worried sick*
I think my downstairs neighbors are beginning to suspect I’m living in their attic.
i wish all
whales
a very
big
Every day I ask Chatgpt if it knows where my keys are and If it ever knows the answer I’m suing everybody.
Job interviewer: Where would you like to be in five years?
Me: On paid administrative leave.
My 3yo was sitting on my lap reading a book
I lowered my head to kiss the top of his head
At the same time he whipped his head up and whacked my nose, fracturing itI have a swollen bruised nose just bc I wanted to love him
This is motherhood
During lockdown, while many other artists are doing mini-concerts from their homes, I thought I’d do you all a favour and not.
– “Did you know a swan can break a full-grown man’s heart?”
– “I think you mean arm?”
– “NO I DON’T!!”
*Runs away sobbing, bread spilling everywhere*
My husband accidentally locked himself out of the house, and I didn’t hear him knocking until I finished eating the rest of his cheesecake. So weird.
The Lord alone–not science–will determine how many chickens can fit inside my motorcycle sidecar.
I threw up my hands in disgust last night.
Knew I shouldn’t have eaten them.
BF overheard me listening to the “Thank U, Next” video and asked “Is she saying ‘bacon, eggs’?” so that is how I will be singing this song from now on, thank you.
If I die before I wake, I pray the lord has ice cream cake.
3 is feeding 1 strawberries and calling him Baby Babe. It’s so sweet, I can almost forget he tried to lock him in the closet half an hour ago.
canceling plans is ok. staying home to cook is ok. disappearing for a bit to get your life together is ok. resurfacing in a foreign country with a new name 10 years later is ok. it’s called self care
My friends asked me to go camping so I made of a list of the things I will need: 1. new friends
I can cook up any meal but I can’t peel boiled eggs without them looking like a toddler took bites out of them.
Me: we should name our firstborn son Blake
Her: but he’s been named Jeff for 24 years now
shout out to those who still allow me in their rooms
“What are these markings on the map?”
“They’re hill areas”
“Yeah they’re very funny, but what do they mean?”
Marriage is mostly blaming your spouse for not listening to the things you say, even when you’re not entirely sure you’ve said them out loud.
[death row]
GUARD: Ok, here’s your last meal. Bon appétit.
CAT: *slowly pushes meal off table*
shrek the third may have not been as great as the other movies but this transition still gets me
[dog people] here’s my angel Rex! he knows 19 tricks & brings me my slippers every morning!
[cat people] this is Princess Murder who lets me live with her.she pees on everything i love. her interests include screaming & eating bugs. when she asks me to kill for her i will say yes
does anyone in IT care to admit that when someone submits a help request you quietly fix the problem behind the scenes and then tell them to try something super obvious so they look like an idiot?