She asked if I noticed anything different about her & I said no. Then I noticed she was angrier than usual.
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“YOU’RE DEAD TO ME”
Me on my first day as a mortician
Ooh. Remove card RAPIDLY, not RABIDLY. I think I owe the lady at pump 2 an apology.
This is funnier than it should be. 😂
Me: I wouldn’t miss it for the world.
Friend: It was yesterday.
I think the reason giraffes don’t ride in hot air balloons is that their faces would probably get fried off in that flame thing.
Just changed the vacuum cleaner bag and I’m feeling pretty handy.
Let me know if you want me to fix your transmission or your hadron collider.
My garden has produced some sick beets, some smashing pumpkins and some red hot chili peppers.
We go on tour in the fall.
It turns out that you can only spray so many people down with Febreze before they fire you as a Wal Mart greeter.
“What a tangled web we weave”
-Earbuds
My favourite part of the Bible is when the little guy finally throws his ring into the volcano.
Me: Oh my god, that cat is adorable! She’s the cutest kitty I’ve ever seen!
Cat: I just want to be friends.
I surveyed 100 women and asked them what shampoo they used when showering, 98 of them said, “How the hell did you get in here?”
when u have to ignore grammar rules to make a tweet fit into 140 characters
I just want to apologize to all the guys I dated BEFORE I started using Prozac.
And to their wives. And their local fire departments.
Me (doing an unboxing video for a repressed memory): wow guys this is a GREAT haul
My therapist: no
My favorite thing about babies is that none of them are mine.
driverless cars????
I don’t trust autocorrect to pick the correct word let alone let a car just drive me …. by itself
Okay I’m getting out of bed to go check my lottery tickets. If you don’t hear back, the money changed me.
Good morning to everyone except the sentient computer who locked me out of the space station
My dryer is celebrating lint.
My husband is a keeper.
No, that’s not the word.
Hoarder. He’s a hoarder.
I’ve never been in love… But I imagine its similar to the feeling you get when you see your waiter arriving with your food.
“What a nice doggie.”
“I’ll have you know it’s not a doggie but a pure bred.”
“YOU HAVE A DOG MADE OUT OF BREAD??!!!!”
shout out to anyone that’s used a tube of super glue more than once
My daughter told me that I should be a little faster with her laundry and asked if I could fold things a little neater. She had a whole near-death experience and didn’t even realize.
I’m still waiting for my date from last summer to come back from the restaurant’s bathroom…
I hope everything is ok.
Me: Its a bear! Quick play dead!
*falls down and covers himself with leaves*
Her: We’re in a zoo!!
Waking up the guy next to me on the plane to tell him to tell the stewardess not to wake me when they come around with snacks
My husband is out w/friends & I’m at home w/the kids. I’m going to sprinkle Legos under the covers on his side of the bed.
Cats don’t tell police where your drugs are.