Sorry I winked at your mom when she said she needed her pool vacuumed.
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People are posting pictures of their Christmas trees all decorated, and I’m over here like, “Does anyone know if we have a clean plate?!”
I remember the exact moment growing up when I came to know that a babysitter was not someone who sat on babies.
Tastes like chicken.
yeah I dunno, “our landlord is mistreating us” and “we can’t get fresh meat” seems like two problems that solve each other
10 years ago parents were like “be careful what you put on the web” and we were all “lol. old people.” now none of us can ever be President.
Friend: Those are really big sprinkles on your cupcake.
Me: They’re ibuprofen.
Tonite’s SuperMoon is Super versus October’s FullMoon only if you think 16.05inch pizzas are Super relative to 16inch pizzas
I saw an owl. He stared at me and didn’t fly away. I stared at him and didn’t fly away either.
Me: Can you check my balance on this gift card?
Cashier: ok
Me: [ steps on card, lifts other foot without wavering ] Pretty good, right?
A younger person at work was telling us she made bagels herself at home.
Impressive, until we found out that she meant buying them at the coffee shop then taking them home to toast
I’m glad they call themselves attorneys-at-law. I wouldn’t want to accidently hire an attorney-at-baking or an attorney-at-pottery.
My wife was annoyed because the fridge was beeping, I’d left the door open to long while looking, in my defense I couldn’t find my keys anywhere else.
Mike: Mom! We’re out of burrito paper!
Mom: Dammit Mike, they’re tortillas. You’re twenty six.
I Know What You Did Last Summer Because You’re Still Posting Pics, Enough Already, Fiji Was Amazing, I Get It
If you put Mattel dolls in a line they become a Barbie queue.
Some of you are acting like you got off a flight from Australia instead of losing one hour.
So apparently not every chubby guy with a mustache is named Mario. My bad, dad.
The first “cowboy” was a hideous creature, born of irresponsible science.
thesaurus had the greatest vocabulary of all the dinosaurs
too old for tik tok, too young for facebook, too weird for linkedin, not weird enough for reddit, too ugly for instagram…where will i go now
The tea party my toddler invited me to feels more like a hostage situation.
“Where do escalators come from?”
“Well, when an Escalade and an alligator love each other very much…”
One of the fake rooms at Ikea should just be a couple fighting as they try to put the furniture together
I ended up living in a storage unit the last time I took advice from a guy named Kyle
[after a fight]
Enjoy your peanuts and raisins, I whisper, eating all the M&Ms from the trail mix.
I’m rearranging the neighbors’ Halloween decorations a little each night until they’re circling their front doors. Scaring is caring.
I will be celebrating Columbus Day by setting sail for India, landing in Spain, and telling everyone who lives there to move out.
Being a woman has its benefits and unique skills, like being able to fix whatever’s wrong with the car by turning the radio up real loud.
What I say: “Agree to disagree”
What I really mean: “You are dumb and I will allow you to stay that way”