I’m posting this because I’m honestly at a loss. I’ve been in this situationship for as long as I can remember & I need advice. There’s this guy & he’s honestly SO nice & he gets me whatever I want but he only visits once a year & only when I’m sleeping & then he just disappears.
I’m just curious if anyone has been through anything like this? Any advice? I don’t even have his number I just write him letters.
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Current situation: laying in bed trying to manifest breakfast
Me: I really want to go travelling
My bank balance: like…around the house?
genie: you have three wishes
me: nightvision goggles
genie: dope
me: the only pair on the planet
genie: many people will be affected
me: now kill the sun
genie: dude
I can’t wait for my grandma to ask me repeatedly why I don’t have a boyfriend “because I’m such a pretty girl”.
I’m a psycho, grandma.
Find yourself a partner who’ll sneak out of bathroom windows with you at holiday parties.
Did you have a good weekend or did your 4 y/o tell a lady with grey hair in the greeting card isle to “Move it old lady!”?
What will you contribute to the fight during the coming zombie apocalypse?
I will contribute a drawer full of Whataburger ketchup packets and McDonald’s hot mustard packets.
So, I assure you, you will want me on your zombie fighting team.
I like crazy people until they notice me
thank god Hinge doesn’t do a year end wrapped. I would have to walk into the sea with pockets full of stones
Ok, but like, how married are you?
If history has taught me anything, it’s that the person with the loudest, wettest cough will always sit down beside me in a waiting room.
Them: You’re burnt out.
Me: Yes.T: You need a break
M: Yes.T: I’m worried.
M: Okay. Will you watch my kids for a minute?T: Hell no.
I can’t wait for this whole ordeal to be over, so my favorite pizza place can go back to rubbing their bare hands and feet all over my pizza before delivering it to me, like the good Lord intended.
You wouldn’t believe all of the Easter eggs I just found lying in the grass outside of this pre-school.
*Buys 15 feet of bubble wrap*
Cashier: “Are you moving?”
Me: “No, why?”
I just dropped my pen on the public restroom floor.
I’ll miss that pen.
Confuse them by retweeting their worst tweet.
Please be the blood from a horse’s head
Please be the blood from a horse’s head
Please be the blo…
Nope, just peed the bed again
SUPERVILLAIN: [thrusting kryptonite into my side]
ME: How did you discover my weakness? [gasping for air] I… hate… being… stabbed…
Couldn’t find my keys so I retraced my steps back to when I was a piece of phosphorescent algae floating in the primordial sea, and yep there they were
For some reason my hotel room has 2 toilets and i have been using them equally so neither one “feels left out” in case you’re wondering how i’m doing.
For the orator and chef in all of us
Well, that should do it
Every time I burp I feel like my stomach is like, “Hey! Remember when we ate that?”
Most people who think I’m a nice person have no idea that I’d trade any one of my kids for a deep dish pizza.
Waiting for a mannequin with a gut so I can really see how that shirt will look on me.
*Pulls gun* Alright give me the money, and don’t try anything stupid.”
*Tries to put a fork in a light socket*
“Hey! What did I just say”!?
I have so many chores that I need to do, what Netflix show should I binge watch?
Me: *joins a throw pillow of the month club*
Husband: *cries*
Was my family happy about the new “no phones at the dinner table” rule? No. But did we have some great conversations as a result? Also no.