it’s sundress season and i have several dresses with pockets and and if you don’t think i’m gonna use them to carry spicy chicken nuggets and mini babybels, you are mistaken
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If I learned anything in college, it’s that pepper spray only stings for a couple hours.
If you live in an apartment and it’s raining and you forgot to buy groceries, you should be allowed to trick-or-treat
Reasons to bake a cake after the kids go to bed:
1. To surprise them with it.
2. So they never know you ate an entire cake without sharing.
Can’t afford a deep tissue massage? Try sleeping with a toddler
Friend: What was the hardest part of learning to pay the kazoo?
Me *thinking about it* probably when Amy left
My 4yr old daughter just charged me $47 for a fake cake she cooked in her pretend oven.
I laughed.
…
She stared at me until I paid her.
The best thing about eating healthy food is all the incredible food you eat an hour later because you’re so hungry…
man: want a carrot?
horse: ok.
man: we’re friends now right.
horse: i guess.
man: great hey can you help me move.
you should always wash your sheets once a week in case they are really ghosts and need a shower
IT: I’m hanging up
Me: is it because I called it my lappy tappy
IT: *dial tone*
Website: you must be of legal age to view this content. What year were you born?
Me at age 11 (playing it safe): 1753
My daughter wants to be really scary this Halloween so instead of a costume she is going to carry a school fundraising packet to every door.
kicked out of photoshop class for letting out a huge yeehaw every time i select the lasso tool
Always keep a dog eared book on your nightstand so that people think you know how to read.
I’m not scared of clowns, I’m scared of the man who chooses to become one.
Told my roommate that megamillions was up to $825 million and she said, “yeah but that’s only $400 million after taxes”. Our kitchen is in our living room.
[Movie: Romance]
Him: [*At Airline Ticketing Counter] I need to get on the next flight to NY to tell my soulmate I love her!
Airline Clerk: That’ll be $4,433.56…
Him: K… forget it…
“Here comes Paul. We better turn red, fast!”
– every stoplight
Burgers, she wrote.
– Angela Lansbury before she goes shopping.
I was irrationally angry when I realized there were no actual raccoons in Resident Evil
When no one stars a tweet, I tell myself it was probably appreciated by hundreds of shy people.
When people ask me how old I am, I always say 45.
They all think I look AMAZING for my age.
Can someone please invent pantyhose that don’t rip?
I think everyone in this bank just saw my face.
angel: sir, we’ve invented daylight
God: it’s so harsh, you can see every little imperfection. How do you expect people to procreate?
angel: we also invented tequila
i stopped listening to the radio once they stopped making them out of ham
Me: I’m gonna search the periodic table for relief from my cramps haha get it?
Him: Actually there are elements that can help. Magnesium for example is calming and-
Me: What’s the symbol for arsenic?
Me: What did you do at school today?
4yo: Nothing
M: You must have done something.
4: I don’t remember.
[Bedtime]
M: Goodnight.
4: Wait.
*Spends the next two hours telling me about his day in excruciating detail followed by a philisophical Q&A session*
Him: Watch your language at dinner tonight.
Me: So you want less Tarantino…
H: …and more Seuss.
M: Gotcha. No swearing. Lots of rhyming.
[baby born with silver spoon in mouth]
Doctor: What the hell?
This time last night, there was a spider so big in my bathroom it put me under a glass on a postcard and carried me out.