Me: Something is fishy here
Red herring: *acts very casual
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A video clip of me, supposedly from 1941, wearing pigtails and standing on the moon has been misrepresented and proven to be a hoax, fact checkers say.
“Four Weddings and a Funeral” is my favorite movie with 25% as many funerals as weddings.
If Twitter is a rave then Facebook is a Tupperware party.
{my first day as a football announcer}
wow those guys really want that coconut there must be a genie inside.
COP: careful, this guy’s insane
DETECTIVE: ok
[he walks into the interrogation room]
ME: i dont like the creme part of oreos
D: jesus christ
6“- Ive had bigger
7”- Can’t complain
8”- PERFECT
9”- A bit much
10”- My insides hurt
11”- Please no more
12”- Legally dead-Me after pizza
Doctor: “Hey, how are you?”
Patient: “I am good”
Doctor: “Ok. Next.”
“if anyone has reason why this man and this woman should not be wed speak now or forever hold your peace”
*voice in back*
does he even lift?
I asked a girl to “go with me” in middle school, she said yes and then we never talked to each other again. I’m thinking about reaching out to dump her.
Just been on a date with a dentist. It went well and she says she’d like to see me again in six months.
“I think this cereal has gone bad.” *me drunk, eating Meow Mix*
The longer you’re a parent the harder it is to act excited when people tell you they’re pregnant.
Kitchen Rule No 1.
Don’t walk away from boiling milk unless you’re willing to start over and scrub that stove for a 100 years.
An 8 year old just asked me why people in electric cars don’t get electrocuted when it rains and now we’re checking Google
[La Brea Tarpits]
ME: *gesturing for tour members* the stegosaurus was the calzone of dinosaur times
SECURITY: sir, hang on to the life hook or you’ll sink like your Segway
At least there’s one other woman who’s more wasted than me in this emergency room.
No, my mistake, she’s got dementia.
Bank ads make me want to hide my money under my mattress.
They also make me want to acquire some money for hiding, but that’s a side issue.
Attention fat vegans:
Explain.
This skinny girl just told me she “forgets” to eat? Is that possible? I just licked her face in case it’s contagious.
I wonder if people who live on the sun are just as excited about the eclipse as those on earth..
Once I meet a hot chick I automatically give her money. So if she says I’m stalking her I can tell the cops she’s a hooker.
if u ever feel insecure just remember that there is at least one couple where your name is a sensitive topic. kinda sexy of you to be that important
Carpenter Ants: Very industrious
Army Ants: Extra militant
Fire Ants: Drop dope AF mixtapes
I took a spin class and it went amazingly- well, that’s what they TOLD me to say.
I was watching a murder show set in Idaho and realized I had never been to Idaho and it looked so gorgeous so I said I would like to visit Idaho.
Husband, “You are by far the weirdest woman I have ever met.”
I think all dads are in a secret competition to see who can sneeze the loudest.
Dog:
Me:
Dog:
Me:
Dog: *spits out pill*
Me: DAMMIT!
My attempts to purge my possessions always seem to result in me rediscovering that I have lots of nice things, after which I lie happily on my hoard like a dragon
My kids made a mess this morning pretending to be leprechauns. They don’t know it yet, but after school they get to pretend to be janitors.