children: Are those Giant spiders going to eat us?
Dumbledore: Check out this toast that butters itself!
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My dishes are lined up like my sink is the hottest night club the world has ever seen.
Growing up,
I knew my Mom meant business when she started yelling words I didn’t know existed.
A hammock is really cool until you try to get out of it. I’m going to have to live here now. Goodnight.
A Jehovah’s Witness followed me.
I think I’ll send him a lot of unsolicited DMs with knock-knock jokes…
The pottery scene from ghost but it’s me behind you adding more mayo while you’re making me a sandwich.
Mobster: we need to set up a shell company
Lobster: let me handle this, boss
when ur hate is strong but your bladder’s weak
I am not that kind of woman…I”m much worse.
I tried to convince some McDonald’s workers to do the Harlem Shake but they said the machine was broken
having a teenager is fun because food that was in the kitchen when I went to bed is no longer there when I wake up.
[Robbery]
Sloth Man: I’ll use my powers to make the criminals fall asleep.
*Runs to bank*
*Reaches bank 18 hrs later*
SM: How’d they escape?
I finally figured out the moral of Beauty and the Beast: Sure,Gaston had good looks. But the Beast had shitloads of money.Good choice, Belle
“We should get a bell so that when we need you we can just ring it” – my child, hiring me as his servant
me: here’s an idea. a dishwasher that ‘beeps’ when it’s finished
CEO: yeah. like, twenty times
me: lmao two or three times is more than enou-
CEO: TWENTY TIMES
me: but-
CEO: T̶̨̮̲̱̎͐̾͒͑W̴̨̺̭͛͗͆̀E̸̦̾̇͗͝Ṅ̴̦̪̿̇T̸̩̫̐̾͒Y̷̨͇̯̞̌́́͌ ̵̧̜͚͛̕͘T̶̛̞͑̒͑̅Ḯ̵͚̆̕M̵̫̠͉̀Ë̸͔̝̬́̌̈͘S̶̝̘̓̽͒̒͑-
I thought about giving up my sexual innuendo tweets but it’s too hard.
Do you ever think of the ex you made a painful decision to leave and just hope in your heart of hearts that someone is annoying them worse than you ever could have?
😳😳😳☕️☕️☕️☕️🤪🤪
me pausing my music to see if the siren is in the song or its outside
Some of you wonder how I’m still married, pfft you should wonder how I got married in the first place.
NO I WOULD NOT LIKE TO KNOW WHAT FRUIT MY BODY IS SHAPED LIKE
When people say “To be honest…”, it means that up to that point they’ve been lying.
someone mentioned that the divorce rate is around 50% which is terrifying, cause the idea that I still have a 50% chance of being stuck with the same person forever scares the shit out of me
Today’s episode of Wheel of Fortune has been cancelled because Jesus took the wheel.
[Life Pro Tips]
when considering crime, avoid anything that could add the prefix “international” to charges
My new boss just described me as “dramatic but not problematic” and I’ve never felt more understood in my life
I was so touched last week when a shopkeeper handed my 3yo a donut without checking with me, that today I gave his teen a bag of heroin.
Friend: So, do you workout?
Me: OMG, have you SEEN my abs?!?
Friend: No
Me: Yeah, neither have I.
WORKOUT GUY: Climbing stairs after leg day is the worst bro!
ME: My face hurts because I napped too hard on my face.
*Writes “For a good time call” on random gas station bathroom wall
*adds work phone number
*Gets excited about work today
When I was a child, 49 seemed like such an ancient, faraway age, where people would probably totter about aimlessly and confused, forgetting everything, with parts of their decrepit body falling off. Now I actually am 49, I realise I was absolutely spot on.