if I were Sleeping Beauty I would have killed the prince who woke me up
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What personal space?
My dog
I basically have three hairstyles.
1. Straight
2. Wavy
3. Homeless
*logs onto Facebook*
*sees 347 ultrasound pictures*
*logs off forever*
One Saturday morning at three,
A cheese monger’s shop in Paree.
Collapsed to the ground,
With a thunderous sound,
Leaving only a pile of de brie.#Limerick #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
nothing worse than an american ‘alcoholic’ who enters rehab because they drink in a month what a normal british person would on a two hour train journey.
Why is everyone worried about meteors instead of the possibility that Russia just got their own Superman?
nasa employee: oh hey u guys are back early
astronaut: moon’s haunted
nasa employee: what?
astronaut: *loading a pistol and getting back on the rocket-ship* moon’s haunted
Tombstone: Here lies Houdini
2nd Tombstone: Now I’m over here
That prank where you roll the windows down as you go through a carwash so your friends get soaked isn’t as funny when you do it by yourself
I’m not lazy
Hear me out:
Brunch where pajama attire is required.
My kid brought home a school fundraiser packet in case anyone wants a $43 roll of wrapping paper or an $80 candle.
“We’re still looking for a side project”
Tornado: *raises hand* we could flip houses
“We’ve been over this, it’s not what you think it is”
My ex from highschool followed my new dog’s Instagram account and dm’ed her “I don’t like your mom” LMAO IM DYING
My cousins baby child keeps pointing at me and saying ‘cat’
judge: on the count of homicide how do you plead
owl chiropractor: a simple misunderstanding your honor
just think, if you hadn’t had kids to tell you otherwise you might still be walking around thinking you were cool. lol how embarrassing would that be
Golf Tip: Be sure and yell “FORE” before throwing your golf club at a jogger.
Not my circus. Not my monkeys. But I’m 99% positive I know those clowns.
ME: My New Year’s resolution is to eat less
WIFE: Good!
ME: (very, very quietly) …vegetables.
My phone autocorrected “gym” to “fun” so I threw it in the trash bc it’s obviously broken.
My last name is Zilla.
Trainer: “ok, lets warm up 1st….wait, where are you going!?”
Me: “tanning bed”
Oh Buddy. You’ve done more than make them think about it. You’ve bonded them forever in a group text where one of them will share a wedding photo or promotion news and one of the others will say “i don’t know, SMELLS LIKE FAILURE.” And then they’ll all die laughing.
Friend: Will we be hearing the patter of tiny feet soon?
Me: *grabbing her arm too hard* You know about my squirell army
*Plot Twist*
Your dog loses his mind with excitement when you leave for work instead of when you get home.
Negative pregnancy tests, because everyone loves good news on a stick
“I detest drama!” I declare with a flourish of my cape, and the back of my hand over my forehead.
[on my deathbed]
Me: Where…*cough* where is your father?
Kids: *crying by my side* being consoled by your girlfriends.
Me: I’M UP!!!
writing an email takes 5 hours. 4 hours and 55 minutes to avoid and stress and obsess about it and 5 minutes to write it