Me: I am surprised at how winded I am by this exercise!!
Personal Trainer: This was the tour of the gym.
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Why isn’t Spiderman’s greatest enemy named Shoeman?
ME: Tear this breadstick open, I think you’re gonna like what’s inside.
GIRLFRIEND: YOU DIDN’T! {breaks it open} It’s just filled with cheese.
ME: Happy 10th anniversary babe.
why does my dog sprint after he poops like he’s fleeing the scene of a crime
Sex is like lasagna – there’s absolutely no reason for it to involve spinach in any form.
What’s the game you play that when you lose you never regret it?
Russian roulette.
“Hermit crab” describes me twice.
#CoronaOutbreak
If I get to Heaven the first thing I’m going to ask God is if I should have tipped on carryout orders or not
The Weeknd is Canadian, he should be adding letters to his name not removing them
me: what did you have for snack at preschool today?
4yo: well it was a munching thing and it looked like a square taco but it wasn’t a chocolate cookie
me:
Me:
– cures cancer
– saves endangered species
– discovers Atlantis
– solves energy crisis
– finds all missing childrenMy mom:
But did you remember to send out your thank yous? Can’t you do something about blindness? Don’t forget to call your aunt Cathy…
Judge: I’m disappointed to see you back in my courtroom.
Defendant: I’m disappointed to see you back in my courtroom.
J: Stop that.
D: Stop that.– repeat offenders
If I was a zombie I’d be selective about which brains I ate.
Some of you would be empty calories.
Whenever I’m having a bad day I think “Goddammit if a baby can hold their head up, then so can I.” Then I pee my pants and scream cuz that’s also what babies do.
One of the best facts is that sharks are older than Saturn’s rings because it suggests that sharks might somehow have noticed, like they might have looked up one day and said ‘wait, have you done something different with your satellites?’
So. I didn’t win the lottery again. If this run of bad luck continues much longer, I may have to consider actually buying a ticket one day.
So let me get this straight: Trump supporters are butt hurt because someone overgeneralized them and called them a mean name? Oh, the irony.
Parents who say “I’m not going to say it again” always say it again.
My dog Daisy, whom I love very much, just ate a check from a foundation for $50k. Most awkward email I’ve had to send in a long time.
Shipwreck survivors on an island
S1: We told you to spell ‘SOS’ with those coconuts!
S2: I know but I want our rescuers to know I’m a vegan.
Does Rapunzel use the shampoo “Head & Shoulders, knees & Toes.”
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
-Octopus preparing for a fight
4 y/o: how does Santa go to everyone’s house in one night
me: warp speed
4 y/o: warp speed isn’t real
me: neither is Santa go to sleep
I don’t understand interventions.
What’s the point of being told I drink too much by a room full of the reasons I drink in the first place?
18yo is deliberately putting the cutlery in the wrong places in the drawer when he puts them away. So I’ve put some of his game discs in the wrong boxes. Let’s see who’s head explodes first.
6: are snakes just neck?
At Christmas, it’s important to pause and remember all those who have wronged you this year and how you can wreak vengeance on them in 2017
“Hey, will you join us in our street protest?”
No thanks
“Why not?”
I actually love streets
You know what bothers me? When people assume you’re homeless cause you’re asleep on the street and your pants are gone..
Please doctor, my flabber,,, it is so ghasted,,,