Don’t be concerned whether your kid will like his or her name when they grow up. You’re the one who should like it because you’re the one that’s going to be yelling it all the damn time.
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There’s no one I respect more than duck hunters. You spent $15,000 on a camouflage boat to outsmart a duck.
Survival Tip:
If confronted by a dinosaur while hiking, politely but firmly explain that it is extinct.
They’re not called “butt hole mirrors.” They’re called “hand mirrors,” according to this clerk at Walgreens.
I was taught to look both ways and only step into the crosswalk when a luxury car is approaching.
Pretty nervous about the guy who dropped out of mechanic school the second they showed us how to cut a brake line.
I just declined a mandatory work meeting invite. I am drunk with power.
Good cop “If you confess maybe we can cut you some sort of deal…”
Crab cop *walks sideways off the table*
Finishing a book is like saying goodbye to an old friend. Finishing a show you binge-watched is like staggering out of a motel where you’ve been holed up for 24 hours with someone you met while trying to score crack.
I saw an image of the Virgin Mary on a pumpkin!
It squashed all of my doubts…
And, reinforced my faith in Gourd.
STUNTMAN ON TV: don’t try this at home
ME [sitting on couch eating out of a 5 lb. bag of m&ms]: ok
[me telling a joke]
guy wearing a “Make America Great Again” hat: I don’t understand.
ME: There’s probably a lot you don’t understand.
Walruses? Walri? Walrus?
Anyway…They’ve escaped.
Even though it says it right there in the show’s title, I’m always disappointed when Unsolved Mysteries aren’t neatly wrapped up by the end of the ep.
DID YOU KNOW: Petting dogs is a video game, and if u pet a dog perfectly enough, u will unlock the ability to go to a dog’s Birthday Party
Perks of dating me: You will be the hot one
“My dog’s learning to speak a foreign language.”
“Español?”
“No, he’s a labrador.”
Came home to find the couch had moved a few inches, and neither the dog nor the cat will look me in the eye now.
Cthulhu is just the sound I make when I’m trying to reply to the dentist.
Re: global warming and the cold weather
“Liberals keep telling me the Titanic is sinking but my side of the ship is 500 feet in the air.”
My ex once told me that she still had feelings for me but then clarified that they were all negative ones
*Gets left on read for hours*
Me: “I’m never talking to them again”
Them: *Finally replies*
Me:
If the future is now, then how come the pizza I’m gonna order later isn’t here yet?
When you haven’t shaved in a while and your leg hairs sway better in the breeze than your neighbour’s stupid windchime
I’m looking for a home with huge yard, tall privacy fence and a couple of sheds preferably one with a freezer that can hold two or three.
–me on house hunters
“Sometimes I feel like a woman trapped in a woman’s body” – Russian nesting doll
Have you ever been driving on a highway and afraid to exit the off ramp because it’s a sharp turn and the roads are full of snow so you just keep going until you hit Florida?
*forces square peg into round hole
Round hole: wrong hole.
Forgot my wallet at home & filled up at the gas station so I have to leave some collateral. Not leaving my phone there so 4 year old it is.
Guys, please help. My son accidentally started a sentence without saying “mom” first, and then he kind of short circuited…? What do I do?
23rd Century Scientist: We’re sending you to 1889 to kill baby Hitler. Four words: Stick. To. The. Mission.
Henry Ford: Yes, sir.