50 shades of grey = my Liver
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Yeah, I experimented in college. I tried beet chips.
out of the blue my 10 yr old asked me if i was running for president and i said no and then he put his arm around me and said it was time for a woman to be president and it should be me and we hugged and hugged and then he asked for a video game he wanted
Never noticed how many times the doorbell rings on The Golden Girls? Watch it with a dog.
It’s just a matter of time before they add the word “Syndrome” after my last name.
[first day as librarian]
guy: i’m looking for a book—
me: —YOU SIR ARE IN LUCK
*makes New Year’s resolution to drink more water*
*starts adding ice to my wine*
*Takes out phone & plays Cindi Lauper’s True Colors as you reach for the last slice of pizza without asking*
Was very hungry when I made a wish to the genie I found in a lamp and I had a Freudian slip and now I’m a chicken magnet
I’m being stalked by my proctologist. He won’t stop colon me.
12: Can I have $20?
Me: I think you mean borrow
12: I don’t think that’s what I mean
cop: *knocks on my car window*
me: sorry is the music too loud
cop: yes
me: *sets down bagpipes*
Her: I read on Facebook…
Me: I’m going to stop you there.
boss:
me:
boss:
me: [slowly removing tiara i made out of binder clips]
My wife asked me today if I would ever cheat on her. I replied, “Who else would I cheat on?”
Wanna know what it’s like to have kids? Picture one of those automatic ball-pitching machines, but instead of balls, it’s questions. And it never shuts off.
My boyfriend hates my driving, but it’s ok because he’s imaginary.
LIBRARIAN: yes over there
ME: do u have any books on time travel
If my memory foam mattress really had “memory,” it could write for Penthouse.
A guy tried to flirt with me so I gestured to my wedding ring, but I’d forgotten to wear it so he thought I wanted him to propose. It turned out that worked even better at getting rid of him.
Me: I wonder why you only oversleep when you have school!
My kid: Mumma that’s because on other days it’s just called sleep.
Me: What is the thing you want most for your birthday?
6yo: A recorder.
Me: How about a pony instead?
movie idea: Dracula, but he’s allergic to blood, so he gets diarrhea a lot (movie loosely based on my relationship with dairy)
Spent a summer in Rome, so I’m fluent in dropping that into conversation
Well tonight’s date night for me and the wife
I certainly hope we don’t run into each other
someone mentioned that the divorce rate is around 50% which is terrifying, cause the idea that I still have a 50% chance of being stuck with the same person forever scares the shit out of me
I’m wearing black with navy blue today. Fight me. Any bruising will only serve to tie it all together.
Ok pregnant ladies. Today’s the day!
#LaborDay
If they cancel the Simpsons we will no longer be able to see into the future
Girls, your friends lied when they said chopping your hair off looked cute. They are just happy that their man wont want to bang you
I forgot to pack my perfume, but happened upon some air freshener. Judging by the compliments I’ve gotten, I’m wearing Air Wick from now on.