GIRL: Dad, I want you to meet my boyfriend
DAD: Your bf is a bald eagle?
BALD EAGLE: *adjusting toupee* I’m just a regular eagle actually
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One of the greatest gifts my kids have given me is my high tolerance for alcohol.
I’m 48 years old and I pronounce pumpkin like PUN-KIN.
Bite me.
Kids: We’re hungry!
M: Dinner when mum gets home
K: She’s away for a week
M: OK, when I’m done tweeting
K: (sigh) we’ll wait for mum…
Look, woman, I’ll do laundry when I’m out of clean clothes. *puts on skirt* I didn’t say whose clothes.
Serious question, why do rich people wear monocles? Like they can afford two lenses, am I right?
My kid just sneezed in my face and laughed.
Snots fired.
In Seattle, there’s a code that states when two people are walking towards each other, the one with the bigger coffee cup passes first.
I HAVE BEEN TO FOUR DIFFERENT FABRIC STORES LOOKING FOR THIS ‘WIFEY MATERIAL’!
WHERE COULD THIS TYPE OF MATERIAL BE!?
“Good luck tomorrow.”
* Me confusing a random stranger *
Pro Tip:
If you stab yourself in the thigh with your pen you get to leave the meeting.
Lunch is the best thing that’s happened to me since breakfast.
Cat: Grrrrrplukk…Grrrrrplukk…Grrrrrplukk…Grrrrrplukk… [ *Coughs up hairball* ]
Dog: You gonna eat that?
As I find myself in yet another room without remembering why, it’s apparent my wisdom teeth are doing nothing for me.
I don’t trust the so-called “mainstream media.” I get news from ouija boards and an angry owl living in the woods on the outskirts of town.
Whenever my wiener dog misbehaves I glare at her threateningly while eating sausages
“And you sarge, got anyone special back home?”
“An Internet commentor. Wants me to provide facts against his point. Said he’d wait for me.”
Just warning the studios that if we don’t start making shows, they’re not gonna have anything to reboot in 8-12 years.
There’s a spider that’s been in the same place on my living room wall for an hour so he’s essentially also watching Shrek.
Having to walk all the way to a person’s house & talk to them face to face really cut down on pointless small talk though.
[playing the game of life]
instructions: the player with the most money wins
me: *eyes wide* this game is so realistic
They call it Windows 10 cause it takes 10 hours to do a update
Me: Omg all the kids are asleep! I can finally sit and relax!
Dog: Yeah. About that. *pukes all over living room*
Jews name their children after their deceased loved ones. This is my son, Healthy Sleep Pattern. He was born on January 21st, 2017.
Getting out of bed the other night to go pee and the monster grabbed my leg, he said I can’t live like this anymore tell your wife to get rid of all these damn boxes under here.
[my wife to everyone at the pool party] pls don’t tell him, he’s never known the truth
[me loudly as I jump off the diving board] CABIN BALL
A kid in the park informed me smoking was bad for you.
So I popped his balloon with my cigarette & told him so was talking to strangers.
You sound unhinged. Let’s go get mugshots.
Red Cross: A blood donation is the best gift you can give to someone.
[Christmas morning]
Kids: [all screaming while opening their presents]
Yesterday the vet asked if our cat was sleeping too much and I wondered if they knew she was, in fact, a cat.