17 yo didn’t do chores last night. I delete all songs on iPod and replace them with the theme song to Scooby Doo. Enjoy the bus to school.
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Gingerbread man: i’m just not cut out for this
Therapist: actually you absolutely are
Always a bit depressed when I pass my ex’s house and see that it still hasn’t burned to the ground.
I put the tomatos and the ketchup right next to each other in my refrigerator just so all the food knows I have no mercy
$500,000 to have my head cryogenically preserved or $1.59 for a Slurpee to give me a brain freeze?
“Living well is the best revenge.”
– someone who has never thrown a jar of spiders onto their enemy’s face.
Paul Walker *dies driving*
Adam Driver *on sidewalk* oh no
People who say all you need is love probably already stocked up on Doritos
Officer: “didn’t you know that sleeping in your car on the side of the road is illegal ?”
Me: “yes I did officer. But this isn’t my car”
Hiding the bank statement from your husband is the new hiding your report card from your parents.
Phone
Mom: Didn’t mean to wake you earlier.
Me: It’s okay. I’m up.
Mom: I need to have a hard discussion with you. How’s your brain working? Are you feeling awake now?
Me: No, I was wrong. I’m asleep.
I’ve been laughing for an hour straight
I took biscuits with me on a date once.
She called me a weirdo and said that biscuits was a stupid name for a cat.
An orca just threw a molotov cocktail at my house.
My dog just winked at me, and now I’m wondering just exactly what the two of us are keeping from the rest of the family.
Children will literally bust in the bathroom like a cop to ask a question and then complain about the smell
I’m in the other room and I hear my 3yo shout, “In your face, poop”. Then the toilet flushes. I would give anything to get that excited about pooping again.
good cop: we’ve located the explosives
cop who loves eminem: now this looks like a bomb to me so everybody / stay calm for me
[i witness a crime]
COP: we’ll need you to come down to the station and make a statement
ME: ok
[at the station]
ME: a hotdog is a sandwich
Fortune cookies are pretty cool but there are foods that can more accurately predict the future. Like if I drink tequila I know I’m definitely getting arrested.
[first date]
me: don’t let her know you vocalise everything you think
her: what?
me: shit she knows
Got the trays mixed up after dinner at a Chinese place. Ate the check & paid a fortune.
the most unrealistic thing about stranger things is how max was the only character who was advised to seek psychological help
daughter: do you realize that you talk to yourself?
me: so you won’t answer when I call you but you’ll eavesdrop on my conversations?
daughter:
Wow so when the little kid in “The sixth sense” says “I see dead people”, it’s an iconic movie scene but when I say “I see dead people”, I’m arrested for necrophilia.
Is it because I’m brown??
Bookshop in Fowey, Cornwall.
HER: I hate you
ME: Hate is such a strong word
[cut to hate benching 300 lbs]
HATE: *whispering* I will be the strongest word ever
Remember when you first started driving and everything was scary. Now you’re going 80, putting salsa on your taco, driving with your knees.
This is why you should never put a bald person on the front page of a newspaper
My husband and I draw straws on Valentine’s Day to decide who has to be on top.