God: letting you name each other’s breeds was brilliant on my part.
Cat: for the dogs I got Great Dane, Saint Bernard, and Golden Retriever : )
God: nice! your turn Dog!
Dog: oh.
Cat: I’m so excited!
Dog: alleycat.
Cat:
Dog: look I didn’t know we were being serious.
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If Disney did a film about a pet rock, they’d still find a way to kill off one of the parents.
I’ve never really found myself “in a pickle,” but it sounds quite jarring.
My generation acts like they invented podcasts but my mom has been leaving 40min voicemails since before the internet.
nurse: height
me: 6’4″
nurse: weight
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me: wait for what
I have decided to stop exercising and just learn Photoshop.
Are you having a nice Tuesday or did your daughter remember this morning that she volunteered to bring 150 baby carrots to school today?
my brain: i hate that person
that person: hey that thing you wrote was great
my brain: they do have a lot of redeeming qualities
Hockey is more enjoyable if you pretend they’re fighting over the world’s last Oreo.
You’re only as smart as the dumbest thing you’ve ever said on the Internet.
Brushing my daughter’s hair
Me: Why is your hair SO tangled?
5: I don’t know. Glue maybe?
Me: Did you put glue in your hair?
5: Yes.
I love strapping my kids into their car seats.
It’s the closest I can legally come to putting them in straitjackets.
Inventor of rice cakes: What if chewing air made a noise?
*cop pulls me over*
Have you been drinking?
No I-
*water bottle now full of wine*
*officer lowers shades. its Jesus*
No one will believe you
I would never join a gang, because I am vehemently against group projects.
Her: “Oh my God! Where did you learn to do that with your tongue?
Me: “Cadbury eggs.”
What idiot called it a contraction and not a birthquake?
Picked my son up after his second day of kindergarten computer class. He said he just watched Wild Kratts because he learned everything about computers in the first class. “I’m an expert. I can do your job now,” he said. To his credit, that was Monday & my boss hasn’t noticed.
Urban Dictionary: Helping white folks figure out if they’re getting insulted or complimented daily.
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes.
Netflix: How long has it been since you showered?
[zombie apocalypse] *my girlfriend becomes zombie* More like zom-BAE! Haha hang on I have to tweet that. *is eaten right away*
me, age 21: *pulls an all nighter* yay!
me, age 37: *sleeps the whole night* yay!
A thing I learned at this week’s staff meeting is that I have restless leg syndrome when I sleep.
5yo came in, threw his backpack down and said “holy melancholy.”
Me: rough day, buddy?
5: I need a glass of milk. Now.
I never picked my nose. I was born with it.
9 million cops in this city but only this police roomba is truly capable of cleaning up the streets.
[church]
1-year-old: *throws a tantrum*
Me: This is the worst place for a meltdown.
Wife: Nuclear power plants?
Me: Second worst place.
I feel like I have something to prove here.
Judge: That’s sort of how this works.
My therapist: And how are you doing this week?
Me: Oh. I’m good. Great. Things are great. How are you?
[taco bell 2am]
*lethally stoned*
me: “nine cheesy crunchy chupacabras”
5yo: I know what the middle finger means.
Me: What?
5yo: It’s bad.
Me: It’s alright. You can say it.
5yo: It means you want to fight god.