my name if I was in the mob
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I told someone I was 30 and they said “that’s okay.”
Captain Crunch is basically an exfoliator for your mouth
Follow your dreams. Search through your dreams mail. Show up drunk on your dreams doorstep. Kidnap your dreams. Never let your dreams go.
I believe in workplace drug testing.
That’s why I slipped Ambien and Ex-Lax into my boss’ coffee.
Let’s test which one works faster.
As you get older dating becomes a lot like Musical Chairs. The music stops, everyone sits down and you’re left with the last idiot standing.
If mice just casually sauntered from room to room cats would probably leave them alone.
I’d hang this in my house.
If you or someone you love have gone to work today, you may be entitled compensation.
*at the red lobster*
me: i will have the red lobster
waiter: okay
two people had sex in the 80s and now I gotta pay bills, hydrate, and hate myself???
PeeWee’s Playhouse gave me very unrealistic expectations of how much fun I would have with my furniture
Presents open. Now to watch my children watch other children play with the toys I bought them on YouTube.
My son: When my friends are over, you’re mom. When it’s just me at home, you’re mommy.
My son, 30 seconds later: Mommy, why are you crying?
“SO WE’RE NOT KNOCKING ANYMORE??!!”
You know what cats don’t like? Blow dryers.
You know what’s funny? Pointing your blow dryer at your cat.
Anyway, I lost an eye today.
Now marriage can be between any two people who are misguided enough to start a life together in New Jersey.
Eats one handful of popcorn. Spends next 4 years flossing.
When someone says, “I can’t believe how cool the mornings are getting,” I picture the morning with greased-back hair and a leather jacket.
I’ve been a single mom for over a year and have not experienced my meet cute for my future husband in the grocery store…wtf
It’s important to be comfortable in your own skin…
Because, apparently, it’s illegal to wear someone else’s.
I don’t eat cats and dogs. Dogs are cute and I’m allergic to cats.
*my lawyer leans in and whispers in my ear*
Cats are also cute.
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: You’re terrible with money.
ME: I bet my life savings that you’re wrong.
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: I don’t want your $30.
my 10 year high school reunion is in August which means I have 2 months to lose 40 pounds and get engaged to Michael Cera
Me: Make sure you close the bag.
My kids:
Apparently being a 45 year old man sitting on Santa’s lap demanding the heads of your enemies is just too much for some malls.
When people are trending on twitter, I know that they died or said something racist.
My 5-year-old who just turned 5 talks about being 5 like she’s reached the peak of adulthood, “I’m 5 now.” Relax girlfriend you can’t even open your own fruit snacks.
ME: i trained this chicken to talk
HER: let’s see
ME: what’s a male deer
CHICKEN: buck
ME: how much is 200 pennies
CHICKEN: buck buck
HER: this sucks
ME: it gets better
CHICKEN: it gets way better, Karen
Look, if I have to stop to explain the reasoning behind everything I do, I’ll never get anything done, so could you please just let me finish the construction of this banana cannon
“every family has that one huge weirdo”
“NOT MY FAMILY!” I shout as I quickly exit the room, my six ducks on leashes in hot pursuit.