Spiders and snakes are vital parts of the eek!osystem.
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I just referred to a toothpick as “one of those stabby things” sooooo no more dateline for me.
An adult is a person who makes noise when they stand up.
The best coffee is outside my house but the best no bra is inside my house so you see my dilemma
Me: Ok, here we go. Right foot, yellow
Me: Left hand, red
Me: Left foot, green
Police sketch artist: this can’t be true
I’m not saying I’m a conspiracy theorist, but I swear some of these typos have been planted.
Him: Are you crazy crazy, Craigslist crazy, or institutionalize crazy?
Me: Yes
It’s an unspoken rule on garbage day that pajamaed neighbors pretend not to see each other.
Asking to see a psychics Wordle score before I pay them
Short skirts have a tendency to make men polite. Have you ever seen a man get on a bus ahead of one?
Sorry, can’t. I looked away while my child was in the middle of an hour long run-on story and now he has to start all over.
my wife and i went furniture shopping this weekend and one couch just shouted “take me home” at us, so we left because nobody needs a talking couch
[at the auto parts store]
Me: I need windshield wipers for my Chryler
Counter Guy: What size engine
5 told me she was really sad but didn’t want to say why so I said if she talks about it, it might make her feel better and she said “I’m sad because there’s no caramel cheese” and now we’re both sad
Me: Where’s the remote?
Toddler: I didn’t eat it!
Why do people leave mattresses on the side of the road? Do they really think someone will take it? Do you think I should wash it first?
I wish I hadn’t bought so much Encyclopedia Britannica stock in 1999.
[spider party]
black widow: oh yeah looks like there are lots of edible bachelors here
They’re not called “butt hole mirrors.” They’re called “hand mirrors,” according to this clerk at Walgreens.
As a kid Popeye was my hero. I’d stare at canned spinach and longed to eat it so I could be as strong as him. One day I stole a can from my grandma and with sweet anticipation took my first bite ever only to find out it tasted like… well canned spinach. Crime doesn’t pay kids.
*interrupts your heartfelt story*
Oh NOW I hear your New York accent!! Say “dying wish” again!Ok now say “coffee”!
Me: Ugh I’ve gained so much weight
Him: It’s ok, babe
Me: [my eyes turn black as the sky darkens; a swarm of locusts encircle us; a priest faints and a demonic voice exits my mouth uttering a simple sound] Oh?
If you eat a king crab you are automatically in succession for the crustacean throne.
[invasion]
*aircrafts dropping from the sky
*explosions everywhere
*mass hysteria
Me scrolling phone: Where was that alien invader gif?
Life is like having a brazilian wax. The more times you have the carpet ripped out from under you, the less painful it gets.
I just sneezed with a cat on my lap and I’m going to need someone to send help I’m losing a lot of blood.
What if instead of yelling out “Oh God” during sex you yelled “Okie Dokie!”
*bites nails*
Sorry. Bad habit. I haven’t been on a date in a while
“I can see why” she says, pulling her fingers out of my mouth
why’s it called Top Gun when the guns are on the bottom of the plane
Sex so good, my left hand is making my right hand a sandwich.
hey can I use your bathroom?
cashier: only paying customers
jesus…ok just give me 9 double whoppers with cheese, a chocolate shake, 2-