Spielberg missed a great opportunity when he didn’t put FIN at the end of Jaws.
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Getting shit done. Was my response when my boss ask me what I’m doing. And now I’m sitting outside of H.R.
Sex but instead of moaning she yells YAAAAHAHAHOOOEEYYY like Goofy does evey time he falls
While the loss of Bruce Wayne’s parents was tragic, I’m grateful it happened decades ago and not in 2023 because he just would’ve become a true crime podcaster.
me: *handing James Bond a mug of blended olives and vermouth* yeah I don’t know how to do either of those
“i’ll be back”
–arnold schwarzenegger getting into a 2-man horse costume
It’s a good thing when your therapist sits down with a bucket of popcorn, right?
Had a guy message me to tell me no DMs so I didn’t answer his message and then he got upset I didn’t answer his message… and y’all say women are weird.
but like if you somehow manage to launch yourself to the ISS they ought to let you in? right??
asking for a friend
I’m awake but I object,
My super power is getting hungry as soon as someone says the food won’t be ready for two hours.
I can cut a piece of wood in half just by looking at it.
It’s true, I saw it with my own eyes.
I hate when ppl put group pics on tinder like how am I supposed to know which one’s Bret
Pro tip: being patient will get you out of raking leaves. One of these days will be windy and they will blow into your neighbors yard.
At least once a day my daughter does something I can’t comprehend, and I stare at her like a caveman who just stumbled across a fighter jet.
FRIEND: what was the best day of ur life
WIFE: our wedding day
ME (thinking of the time the Coke machine gave me 2 cans instead of 1): same
How do you say “bra” in German? Stopsemfromfloppin
Why is lumberjack the only job with some random guy’s name attached? Why aren’t plumbers called, like, toiletdougs? Or crapperjoels?
The first time I threatened to “turn this car around!” we’d just left the park and were heading home. The kids cheered. It was a rookie dad move and I still haven’t fully recovered.
waiter: *sets down plate* dont touch. it’s hot
me:
waiter:
me: lmao
waiter: lmfao ur gonna touch it huh. is something wrong with u
me: oh definitely
Standup desk? Sure then I’ll pay someone to whack me in the kneecaps too
Sorry for getting political on here but a hungry hungry hippo wouldn’t eat marbles. It would eat your head.
Masseuse: happy ending?
Me: oh yeah*20 minutes later
Masseuse: …and then Tom Hanks shows up in the park and yells the dog’s name, and Meg Ryan just knows he’s the one she loved all along…
Me: OMG their love is so pure 😭
If hotels can skip the 13th floor why the hell can’t we skip Mondays?
If you really want to impress me with the year a bottle of wine was made, bring me one from 2024….
My dog just looked at me and sighed. He has to stop hanging out with my wife.
I’ve never seen a person look more like Danny Torrance, Shelly Torrance, and the Overlook Hotel carpet at once.
Me: I want to travel
Bank account: Where? To work?
There aren’t too many jobs where you sit around the break room and say “Today I got gonorrhea, and last week I got syphilis,” unless you’re library workers talking about recent reference questions.
I bought my daughters two watches for Hanukkah, but one lights up and the other one doesn’t. Please send thoughts and prayers.