me: ever get halfway thru a sentence and forget where you are
cellmate: i wish
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if you’re in a bathroom & person in next stall sneezes, do you say bless you or just applaud like normal? need answer fast too late clapping
If you wake me with a text at 5am, I will answer you because I’m helpful but the answer will be that night at 2am because I’m also vengeful.
Me: I’d like to bring my puppy in to see how much she weighs.
Vet: Just weigh yourself then weigh yourself holding her and subtract.
Me: no thank you
So many great jazz musicians were hardcore drug addicts because they had to put up with listening to so much jazz music all the time.
GENE SIMMONS: What is it about me that makes people think I’m gross?
“Hygiene”
SIMMONS: Hi. Now answer my question.
A large group of other people’s children is called a “Nope”.
ME [suspicious my therapist’s a ghost] I keep having a dream about a wall
THERAPIST: Maybe u could walk me through it
ME [quietly] Holy shit
Pretend it’s a beer… Pretend it’s a beer… Pretend it’s a beer… – Me trying not to drop a baby.
dating coach: don’t immediately compliment a girl‘s looks that’s creepy
me: ok got it
[later]
her: hi i’m carol
me: u look like shit
[Home Depot]
“Hi, my wife asked me to pick up some small finishing nails”
Clerk: Oh, with a little head?
“Nah, just verbally”
Me: How would you feel about me dating a guy only 7 years older than you?
My Son, then 18: Depends. What kind of video game system does he own? Will he let me borrow it?
Me:
My Son: Does he own a motorcycle & will he let me drive it?
Me:
My Son: Can I call him “New Dad”?
FRIEND: What do you think?
ME: *passing joint* Hell yes!
What should we call this giant advertising board?
PHIL: A philboard
BILL: I have a better idea
Dads be like, “Picked out the t-shirt I’ll be wearing every weekend for the next 20 years.”
I’ve invented a loaf of bread that says ‘Good Morning!’ in German.
I’ve also invented one that just says ‘Morning!’ in German, that’s the guten-free version.
I was planning to take a flu shot until I found out it isn’t a kind of drink.
My ex claimed I had a ‘hero’ complex, but whatever I think wearing my underwear on the outside of my pants is a bold & brave fashion choice
Ladies, if all he does is make you cry then maybe you’re dating an onion and not a man.
Oh, you’re a rock fan? Name 3 rocks
Jesus Christ. They stole your tweet. Not your first born son.
I would have got the Google Glass but I don’t have $1500 or any desire to strap the internet to my face.
12 YEAR OLD: I wrote a movie script called Suicide Squad but it’s bad *throws in trash*
HOLLYWOOD PRODUCER: *walks by trash* Hey what’s this
Sometimes I follow ants carrying food to the nest just to see who puts the groceries away.
(Seductively stripping out of clothes)
Gynecologist: Please stop that.
My days of chasing men over. I’m all about chasing food trucks now.
imagine giving a baby gold then watching a guy whose present is a drum solo and realizing how badly you overshot it
Hey sorry I can’t make it that night. My wife and I have tickets to a Broadway show. Yeah a bunch of guys brought a giant ape over from some island and we’re going to go look at him
They say the key to a fitness routine is having a workout buddy and that’s why I surround myself with lazy people
I’m lost & peeing on the side of the road in the middle of nowhere, just wish this bear who’s about to kill me gave me a little more privacy
I just sent a screen shot of my drunken tweets to my friends & they are still asking if I can come pick them up