A high five is like a regular five that laughs at everything and gets the munchies.
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My cat will:
Climb a tree
Walk along a narrow wall
Leap onto the roof
Drop onto a rainwater tank
Jump down to a tiny exposed windowsill
Reverse and jackknife through a small window… all to avoid entering the house via the open front door.
17 year old me: *catches Bret Michaels’ sweaty bandana and stuffs it in my mouth*
Todays me: *carries hand sanitizer because of door knobs*
[Nightclub]
Me: *shouting over the loud music at the bartender* WHAT IS THE SOUP OF THE DAY
Choose a job you love and you will never work a day in your life because that field isn’t hiring.
saw a post asking “would you rather wear a fedora every second for the rest of your life, or every beverage you drink for the rest of your life has 2 drops of pee in it” and i thought the answer was obviously pee until i said this out loud to another person and saw their face
It’s okay, baby. I cry when people try to change me too.
TYRION: People love stories. And no one has a better story than Bran
ARYA, WHO LEARNED SHAPE-SHIFTING AND MURDERED THE INVINCIBLE ICE KING OF DEATH: Bran has what now
Nurse: sorry for the wait
Mario: it’s ok, I’m a patient
Ever woken up, kissed the person sleeping next to you and felt glad to be alive? I just did, so I won’t be catching this train again.
Surprise sex is by far the best thing to wake up to! …Unless you’re in prison.
FRIEND: Australia has 9 of the 10 world’s deadliest snakes
ME: OMG ONE ESCAPED?!
Is it wrong to eat a Blueberry Muffin that looks just like your dog?!
Did you know that if everyone in the U.S. donated just one pint of blood, we could pour it over the Statue of Liberty and be hella cool?
The winners of the javelin at the Olympics shouldn’t get a medal. They should get a throwphy.
And send
The only way I would find gender reveal parties even remotely okay is if the guests had the option to boo when the gender is revealed
If my reaction to seeing a spider is anything like the rest of yours, we are not going to fare well as a species when aliens invade
Welcome to adulthood. Your body now crackles like a carnival glow stick when you get up.
What do you mean 100 іsn’t a perfect credіt score
I asked a millennial why she spent so much money on her wedding. She said you only get married once, then I laughed and laughed.
Who dies surrounded by friends. Hey Mike come over I’m dying
How long after the expiration date can you eat chicken. Is it three days? I guess we’re all going to find out together
“How did you get those scars?”
[Flashback to me running into a glass door]
They’re from Cage fighting.
Got tired of my kids asking to go to the beach every single day so this week for family movie night, I’ve decided the kids are finally old enough to watch Jaws
If Jesus was a cat we’d have nine Easters.
Che: “Why do you want to participate in this guerrilla war?”
Me: [picturing myself leading an army of gorillas into battle] “Independence.”
Asking a woman to choose her favourite Disney movie is like asking her to choose her favourite child. My mum always choose Aristocats and my middle sister.
chiropractor: so how’s your back been?
backstreet: alright
Parenting is a delicate balancing act where you need to teach your kids numbers but not well enough that they’re able to tell the time when you send them to bed early
It’s too bad u can’t safely fill babies with helium. How cute would that be to look up and see hundreds of floating, chubby, happy, babies.
Shouldn’t Captain Crunch be Colonel Crunch by now? Apparently cereal mascot is a dead end job.