I’m just a girl adding $132 worth of merchandise to my cart so I don’t have to pay the $10 shipping charge.
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If a huge beast told me not to go in one hallway of his extremely haunted house I’d be like “that sounds right” and never go there. But no one wants to sing about that. No candles want to sing about common sense.
Friend – Your grammar is horrible.
Me – My grammar is 97 and she’s a saint. You watch your mouth
Looking forward to the video call with my mother and having a hearty conversation with her magnified thumb
Mom: I think I’ll name her Jenny.
Dr: I’m sorry, that name is already taken, but you can name her jenny_2828
Imagine kissing a frog and it turns into a Prince. Like, great, now I gotta go find another sexy frog
I’m not alone. I have ants.
Date: I like old fashioned guys
Me: I have polio
[me giving a TED Talk]
*repeatedly pronounces a hard first ‘c’ in ‘science’*
[Library]
MAN: Do you have books on fire?
LIBRARIAN: Yes, in the Chemistry section
MAN: Come on boys!
*Swarms of firemen enter with hoses*
Dune (2021)
Everybody at the party got upset when Baby Jesus turned the wine into breast milk.
You come into my house on this, the day of my Raisin Bran’s expiration?
My 9: what language does toast speak?
French toast.
What’s it called when there’s a bunch of big dry leaves on a darkened path but only one of them comes tumbling towards you.
A rat. A rat is what.
Moonlit nights are the best when you light a fire in the pit, have a glass of wine and the neighbor didn’t hear you come outside.
Me, wide awake after staying up all night:
*Sings loudly*
*Dancing around*
*Way too chipper*
*Annoying my friends and family*My neighbor: Good Morning!
Me: How dare you speak to me so early in the morning? Have you no respect?
[first day as a vet]
me: what’s the problem
cat: meow
me: yes but where
This Venn guy was sure bad at drawing circles next to each other
ME: rock, paper, scissors
PROCTOLOGIST: *snaps on glove* and you’re sure that’s all
I told the bartender, “surprise me,” and he gave me ice water.
Daughter has amputated three dolls in the span of twelve hours. Really hoping our dog is smart enough to stay away from her.
The story of Narcissus falling in love with his reflection is a little far-fetched.
*takes 87 selfies*
My 3 year old cat literally just walked up to me and said, “Mother, it is absolutely shocking how many people on Twitter lie about things their children supposedly do and say.” And he’s right.
Are you sure you just saw 1 spider, or was it actually 1 spider + 500 spider babies on her back? Anyway, have a good day.
HR wants to have a little chat about my electric fence.
My 4 year old is at his cutest when he is so proud that he managed to put his school uniform on all by himself but didn’t realise it’s Saturday morning
you know that voice in your head that tells you right from wrong? I think mine is like a frustrated Escape Room employee who’s watching me try to climb thru a roof tile because I refuse to comprehend clues correctly
Reading that the economy is good while perusing 1 bedroom apartments being rented for 5,000 dollars a month and looking at jobs that pay 31,000 dollars a year.