Me: Did you know avocado improves Brain function?’
Kristen: ‘Mom you eat it all the time and I haven’t seen ANY improvement.’
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Oh Buddy. You’ve done more than make them think about it. You’ve bonded them forever in a group text where one of them will share a wedding photo or promotion news and one of the others will say “i don’t know, SMELLS LIKE FAILURE.” And then they’ll all die laughing.
When I die I want my skeleton turned into a xylophone. Just like the good ol’ days.
Bread pudding is not a dessert. it is just wet bread. do not fall for this scam. Resist.
Girls, your friends lied when they said chopping your hair off looked cute. They are just happy that their man wont want to bang you
The only acceptable C word for describing women is Confident.
Cunts love it when you call them that.
Sorry I’m late my grocery store rearranged all their aisles 2 years ago
1st grade: Color inside the lines.
10th grade: Color outside the lines.
Art School: Snort the lines and then go color.
Sorry, ma’am. I’m a solid 4 1/2. You’re an 8. You’re out of my league.
“We are launching new bright color marketing, we heard people like it!”
Who? Who did you ask? Cardi B? Vanilla Ice? DJ Jazzy Jeff?
Bill Withers: Ain’t no sunshine when she’s gone.
Twitter: *There is no
#OddReasonsToCallInSick
I have to give my cat a bath
Everybody wants to change the world, but no one can find a diaper that’s big enough.
The emotional roller-coaster of catching the bouquet, then remembering I’m at a funeral.
2010’s:
Swallowing a Tide pod2020’s:
Swallowing an Air pod
Me: Any Costco requests?
Husband, who is out of deodorant, toothpaste, and work snacks: Nope, I’m good.
Me buying fruit and veg
Getting a paper cut in the exact same place 2 days in a row is how I know I pissed off a witch.
it’s okay if the earth is flat i’m round enough for both of us
‘A confident swipe of the debit card’ is my favorite fantasy.
Forcibly throwing positive energy your way out of spite.
Genie: If you say another word, your going to die.
Me: ʸᵒᵘ’ʳᵉ
[On the playground]
Kid: He said the ‘S’ word.
Me: the ‘S’ word like meaning poop?
Kid: no. Shit. He said shit.Just know I tried.
Soccer moms drinking from sports bottles. You’re not fooling anyone, we know you have wine in there and you should share.
I saw a horse last week and didn’t immediately say ‘horse” but it finally came out today in the middle of an important meeting and everyone thought I was brain storming
While I was out walking the dog, I noticed a neighbour waving at me through their living room window. How nice!
So I waved back rather enthusiastically.
She was washing her window.
[during fight]
him: I’ll cancel our dinner plans.
me: What? Why?? I still like food, it’s you I don’t like.
Me: the heart wants what the heart wants
My heart: please stop killing me with corn syrup and pork products
Me: shut up
Had a customer in tonight moaning that the tyre pressure machine was free but now we charge 50p.
I shrugged and said “that’s inflation” and he didn’t even laugh why do I even bother?
just mowed the backyard
[idiot mocking voice] “but deg what will u do this weekend?”
hell, the way it grows i’ll be able to mow sunday idiot
How do you row a canoe filled with puppies?
Bring out the doggy paddle